A New Place

When I first moved to New York City to teach in an inner city school, I was so unaware of what I was getting myself into. Unfortunately, but maybe also fortunately (in some crazy twist), I was placed into a school that provided me with an experience that was so unbelievable, I couldn't even begin to explain to someone who hasn't been there themselves.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be so miserable in this career I'd chosen. Before coming to NYC, I'd LOVED teaching so much and had never looked at it as a Job. It was my passion. It was my place. It was a rewarding challenge. It brought me great happiness. I never dreaded going to teach. I was excited about everything, constantly seeking out new knowledge, looking to the veteran teachers as mentors and advisers, and absolutely enjoying my time with my students. That all changed when I moved to NYC. Completely.

I spent a few years in a place that I hope I never have to return to. I did a complete 180 in the way I looked at my career. It became a job, but even worse. No one should have to go through what I went through in this school (and to think there's a chance, and I'm sure there is - I can't imagine it, but it wouldn't surprise me - that there is a place worse than mine...) I cannot hardly think of how unfair it is for the students in that place. Stuck there. And no matter how many good teachers filled this rooms of that building, it was still impossible. Still a hell on earth. It will be my own form of the Dark Ages.

What was so bad about that place...? A number of things... There was something about the way the school was running that really, truly affected it. I know that our administrators are put under immense pressure and in no way do I envy their jobs (well maybe their 6-figure salaries ;) joking.) But it seemed that all the Real issues were swept under the rug, and the issues brought to the table were so ridiculously unimportant. There was a lack of community, which lead to major problems in the way the students acted and behaved. They are surrounded by a life style outside of the school walls that shouldn't be brought into the classrooms, that doesn't support learning... but because of the school's lack to show respect (adults showing adults respect, adults showing children respect) the students had a very poor environment in which to grow and learn in. The other thing that I hated about that place was the fear. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble. And the worst of it was, if I actually stopped myself and reassessed what my actions were, I had NO REASON to be afraid. I'd done nothing wrong. Somehow, in that building, our administrators had instilled a fear in us, and we were terrified.

I had not planned on leaving. (What?! Was I absolutely out of my mind to not even TRY!) By the end of the school year in a place like that, you are so worn down that all you can think about is the moments when you don't have to think about teaching at all. (This is Not characteristic of me at ALL from before the Dark Ages.) Then, something happened. I was introduced to a school. I dragged my feet. I had no resume ready. I had not contacted any references. I didn't want to tell my old job that I was possibly leaving. I didn't want to move my stuff. I didn't want to start over. My husband put his foot down. He said the worst that could happen is that I don't get hired, and the best that could happen is I find a better place and he doesn't have to hold back from asking me how my day is... he doesn't have to tell me to stop when I accidentally slip and start talking about work... he doesn't have to see me miserable and be unable to help me.

I did a little research on the school and found, even though it's still an inner city school in the middle of NYC, it reminded me so much of home, of the school I had taught in before I came to NYC. That old memory of passion for teaching flashed before me, enough to spark it within. Not too long after, I was happy to be hired and transferring to a new destination.

This new year will start in a new place. I know it will be better. It already is and the school year hasn't even started. I know there will be problems... but I also know that I've seen Problems and will most likely end up being thankful for the problems I will be seeing because they won't be as bad as the problems I've seen.

Sadly, the Dark Ages will continue to impact me as a teacher. I am aware of this and have been doing whatever I can to tone my old way of thinking down, to make room for the way I was before the Dark Ages. A part of me feels guilty for leaving the sinking ship, but I have to be realistic, if I would have stayed, I would have drowned with it.