I am done though. I made it through the first year of teaching in New York City. I was happy to bid my students farewell, hoping to keep in contact with them (or at least some of them ;), but looking forward to not seeing them on a daily basis, so I could take the time to breathe and see myself.
I quit writing here because I wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school. I left that building and I was done, every day. I couldn't bring it home with me anymore. My small NYC apartment just couldn't hold anymore, it was full to the brim and I decided to stop bringing that stress home. I don't know if anyone will even stop by to read, it's been months since my last post. And I guess it's ok, because the purpose of the blog was to help me get through this new experience... and it did, in the beginning. But in the beginning, I didn't realize what baggage would come along with the job. It was too much to carry.
This year has been a true roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, maybe more downs than ups... And definitely times when I thought it couldn't get worse, just to find myself dropping lower and lower. I've found myself going back and forth, back and forth on how I feel about everything tied with teaching in this school. I've learned a thing or two. (or more!) I know I don't want to teach in this school, and maybe even this city, forever. I know I'll have to get out and get back to the life I consider "normal teaching"... And I thought about leaving, I thought really hard about finding another place. When I looked, I realized that maybe I don't want to leave. I thought about all that I've been through this year, and the difficulty I've had dealing with it while still trying to do my job and teach my children. I am not exactly happy with the outcome of this year, but as I thought about picking up and moving on, I thought about how I'd be leaving something as bad, undone, not fixed. I'll always associate my first year in NYC with hell. It was. But it doesn't have to be left that way, maybe. Maybe I can do something to change this hell, to teach, overcome, do my job despite this hell.
I spent the whole year learning. Now that I know, maybe I can take this knowledge and use it to help me. I know what to expect and what not to expect. I understand when things are going to be said and not followed through with (a lot of things)... I can plan for these things and be one step ahead. I am more familiar with the standards and more familiar with my weaknesses. I can remember the times when I put too much time into something that didn't necessarily need all that time and the times when I didn't put enough time into things that did need more. I can prepare myself for difficult students and the large class size I'm sure to have (at least prepare myself mentally so I'm not shocked when it hits). And maybe I can take all of this and find a little more success next year... a little more than I had this year.
I wonder where this came from... The desire to do great things was always a part of me as a teacher, through school, through my other teaching experiences, through my job search in NYC, through the first few days of school in NYC... but then I lost it. GONE. Felt like a fool. Who was I to think I could do anything great when all I really needed was Survival. And maybe this will be short lived and I'll see it disappear again in the fall... but it's here now, burning inside me, helping push me towards the next school year. I'm finding motivation and desire to do more, despite the fact that I swore I wouldn't... Maybe I don't want to just survive. Maybe I didn't like the way it felt, just surviving. Maybe I need something more.
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