The Economy Scares Me

The economy scares me. I feel I'm constantly walking on eggshells. At school, I already feel enough pressure of getting my student to impossible points (considering my resources, their prior knowledge, the requirements, lack of direction, constantly changing plans due to those above me, etc.) As if that pressure isn't enough to make me miserable and unhappy with my current employment situation, I now get to worry about having No employment situation at all. If I get laid off from a school, what in the world am I going to do?

Read more about teacher layoffs at Gothamschools.org... I hope it doesn't come down to me, but I know that my name is at the top of the layoff list in my building, being a new teacher. And even though our school has had a history of people leaving, taking away some of my chances to be laid off, I wonder if that will change this year, with the state of the economy and the lack of other options.

The Test is Suffocating

Math State Tests are weeks away. I feel an impossible pressure on my shoulders. After giving our students a practice math test (no it wasn't by my choice and no it wasn't a past NY State test), and see how they did, I feel we'll never meet the standards in time. If I'd never looked at how they did on that test, there were multiple problems given to them over things that we haven't taught or won't be teaching before the state test. Even with this in mind, I still feel that I have let them down as their teacher.

That practice test needs to be pushed out of my mind, and I need to continue to teach my students. I have a plan to teach all the standards, without killing all possibility of my students learning. I know that some will not master the standards completely in the time we have allotted for the particular standard, so my team teacher and I will have to work with those students at other times to get them to where they need to be. Sadly, some of our students are so far behind, we cannot possibly get them to grade level by that test.

I hate that testing is on my brain. The school I teach at and schools across the city, the state, the country are not driven by anything but by testing. When will this change? When will we see this turn out to fail so many students... mine, for example. They are the ones who aren't getting educated outside my classroom usually (a typical for low income/poverty level students). They are the ones who are going to schools that are focused on teaching a test instead of actually teaching math, reading, science, social studies. They are the ones who may be only getting math instruction from now until March... the ones who were only getting reading instruction throughout the fall months into January. When will this change?

A Perfect Teacher

I was recently glancing through my site meter stats when I came across someone's linking Google search on "How to be a perfect teacher." My immediate reaction was to laugh out loud. That searching soul had to be disappointed when they came across my blog... I'm so far from a perfect teacher! To be quite honest, I often wonder if I even know what being a teacher looks like anymore, let alone being anywhere close to perfect!

Way back, at the end of the summer, I was at a new teacher day held by NYC DOE. Some guy came to talk and explained that we weren't teachers, we were actually behavior managers... Blah, blah, blah. I didn't agree with him. I'm a teacher who manages behavior, but I am not going to put the behavior management above my ultimate job of being a teacher... I didn't come into teaching because I wanted to focus all of my attention on keeping students from acting like holy terrors all day long. Despite my intentions, Dude was right, this is how we do in NYC. I don't teach. I manage. Sadly, I can't seem to even manage that well anyway (at least it seems with the population I'm working with). I feel like I haven't taught in days (and I really haven't considering we've been testing for the last two weeks...).

A perfect teacher... I still have the goal set. Right now, I'm not exactly on the straight and narrow. I'm a blind fish swimming in muddy waters. I'm just praying the light will come soon... A break, a new direction, a better situation. I want to head back towards being a better teacher, and maybe someday that perfect teacher. I want to stop thinking about how to breathe, how to not cry, how to ignore and let things go, how to not scream at the hypocrisy and crap that goes on in my school every moment of the day, how to ignore the disrespect I constantly get (from students and adults).

How to be a perfect teacher... I can't really help you there... I've recently had to start working on how to keep myself from yelling. (Which is sad for me to admit considering I came into this school at the beginning of the year Cringing at yelling teachers! Slowly, my patience wore too thin, and without realizing it, I was one of those yelling teachers. I've been making it a point to stop though, and feel I've been pretty successful. I've been being more patient and ignoring when some particular students try to do things just to get under my skin. It feels a bit better, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not really teaching. I need a super-charged dose of Love and Logic.)

Deep breath. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote to myself, in reflection of my moving to NYC to teach: I knew I'd survive, I just didn't know I'd suffer so bad. (Meaning: I knew when I came to NYC to teach, I'd survive as a teacher, and leave a better teacher, despite the trials I go through.)

Yet, after thinking about it... I questioned myself. It lead me to this thought: I hope I can survive. I never thought it'd be a question. (Saddest question and thought I've ever had as a teacher. I refuse to let this city suck the life out of me as a teacher. But will I win? Or will the city eat me alive?)

Countdown Commences

I have officially started the countdown. January isn't even over yet, which means I'm not even officially half way through the school year, but I cannot take it anymore! I'm counting down the days!

I hope I have something good coming at the end of the countdown (the prospect of not having to return to my current location of employment would make me Very happy...)

So... as of today, I have 155 days (counting weekends and days off) until that last bell rings. As of this hour, I have 3,741 hours left until I can be free for the summer break.

Want to check the latest of the countdown - Click here!

Tortured by Testing

What a week! ELA (English Language Arts - reading, editing, listening) testing is over. It was torturous. I watched over students who got double test time, which means 90 minutes of sitting there taking a test (90 minute test = a lifetime for a student with ADD or ADHD). Sadly, one of mine was doing Outstanding (I could tell his answers were correct as I circulated the room) on the first 2 passages. (I'll getting to the part of why this is sad.) I was shocked and excited by the work he was doing! A child who usually sits at the lowest score was doing Excellent, using strategies we had taught them, reading, finding answers.

Then it happened. He got tired, distracted, lost his focus, and his desire. The test was too long, too much. He lost it... and I could see him dragging his way through the second half. He didn't do so hot. He barely read the last passage. I could see the miserable feeling in his face... He was trying, but it was just too much. His score won't show how well he was doing at first. If the first section were broken apart... And even better, one section given this week, another next week... These kids get to the point where they just want to be done, and they lose it.

The second day was worse. The kids were horrible, talking during the test, not following directions, throwing things, grabbing each other's testing booklets. There was nothing I could do (which makes me personally feel like a bit of a failure as a teacher). Even with administration, nothing could fix the horrible testing environment. I was told that it was just how the students were, despite the fact that I know they can act at least half-way civilized. More frustrating that I was getting punished, along with the other students, because they didn't want to take the test... I wanted to scream, "I don't want to give it, but I don't have a choice! You don't have to torture me more!"

The good news: we are hopefully done with teaching reading test prep. I know we want to continue to do it every now and then, maybe for homework once a week, so the students keep the strategies we taught them in their minds and in action and will hopefully have it for next year. The bad news: Soon we will be expected to teach nothing BUT math (a subject NOBODY cared about or mentioned until the moment ELA testing was done... now I guess they'll all forget about reading...) The vicious cycle continues...

Doesn't Sound So Good

The other night I was telling a friend about how my week seemed exceptionally long. I explained that I thought the week dragged on because I had the long weekend to look forward to. I went onto say that I like it better when I have nothing to look forward to in the week, because it seems that time goes faster.

My friend stopped and stared at me in shock, which made me realize what I had said and start wondering how this could be healthy... Teaching in this school has driven me to the point that I actually like looking forward to Nothing!

Division, Doomed?

It is official. Most of my 5th grade students have not mastered the skill of subtraction (at least not when it's mixed with another concept), let alone divide, which is the current 5th grade standard we are trying to meet.

Could it get any more difficult?

First Day Back

Surprisingly, our students were kind of calm and quiet today (except the ones who are Never quiet or calm). I think they were really tired because their bodies were used to sleeping in. Nice for me, considering I was also tired from getting up so early.

Ended the day with a little happy hour fun and some book shopping with a teaching friend who randomly greeted me on the subway commute this morning and set our after work-plans into motion.

Here's to the rest of the week with calm kids. ...O and to not missing anymore preps. I think I've missed 6 in the last 20 days of school. (For those outside the city, that means no one shows up to teach your kids during your planning time. No planning time is not my favorite time. Hmmm, I never really dealt with the issue before. Now, having no one show up doesn't surprise me.)

Welcome to 2009

A new year... Full of new goals.

I posted a few on the Cornerstone Blog. You can check it out here. You'll see not only my goals, but the goals of many other teachers. Seeing what some of the other teachers were setting as goals made me add more to my own list (including this anti-bullying part and the Bucket Fillers link, which I'd never seen before, but could Really use in my own classroom!)

Hope everyone has enjoyed the first few days of 2009. I have one more day until I'll be heading back to school to start working again. I am kind of sad to see my break disappear.