I am done though. I made it through the first year of teaching in New York City. I was happy to bid my students farewell, hoping to keep in contact with them (or at least some of them ;), but looking forward to not seeing them on a daily basis, so I could take the time to breathe and see myself.
I quit writing here because I wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school. I left that building and I was done, every day. I couldn't bring it home with me anymore. My small NYC apartment just couldn't hold anymore, it was full to the brim and I decided to stop bringing that stress home. I don't know if anyone will even stop by to read, it's been months since my last post. And I guess it's ok, because the purpose of the blog was to help me get through this new experience... and it did, in the beginning. But in the beginning, I didn't realize what baggage would come along with the job. It was too much to carry.
This year has been a true roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, maybe more downs than ups... And definitely times when I thought it couldn't get worse, just to find myself dropping lower and lower. I've found myself going back and forth, back and forth on how I feel about everything tied with teaching in this school. I've learned a thing or two. (or more!) I know I don't want to teach in this school, and maybe even this city, forever. I know I'll have to get out and get back to the life I consider "normal teaching"... And I thought about leaving, I thought really hard about finding another place. When I looked, I realized that maybe I don't want to leave. I thought about all that I've been through this year, and the difficulty I've had dealing with it while still trying to do my job and teach my children. I am not exactly happy with the outcome of this year, but as I thought about picking up and moving on, I thought about how I'd be leaving something as bad, undone, not fixed. I'll always associate my first year in NYC with hell. It was. But it doesn't have to be left that way, maybe. Maybe I can do something to change this hell, to teach, overcome, do my job despite this hell.
I spent the whole year learning. Now that I know, maybe I can take this knowledge and use it to help me. I know what to expect and what not to expect. I understand when things are going to be said and not followed through with (a lot of things)... I can plan for these things and be one step ahead. I am more familiar with the standards and more familiar with my weaknesses. I can remember the times when I put too much time into something that didn't necessarily need all that time and the times when I didn't put enough time into things that did need more. I can prepare myself for difficult students and the large class size I'm sure to have (at least prepare myself mentally so I'm not shocked when it hits). And maybe I can take all of this and find a little more success next year... a little more than I had this year.
I wonder where this came from... The desire to do great things was always a part of me as a teacher, through school, through my other teaching experiences, through my job search in NYC, through the first few days of school in NYC... but then I lost it. GONE. Felt like a fool. Who was I to think I could do anything great when all I really needed was Survival. And maybe this will be short lived and I'll see it disappear again in the fall... but it's here now, burning inside me, helping push me towards the next school year. I'm finding motivation and desire to do more, despite the fact that I swore I wouldn't... Maybe I don't want to just survive. Maybe I didn't like the way it felt, just surviving. Maybe I need something more.
6 comments:
You're definately braver than me. When I'm not happy with a school I look for other options and jump ship if the opportunity arises. My first year of teaching was SO hard and the kids I was working with wouldn't let me speak. It was a demoralising year. I changed school, and from the first day, my students sat looking at me waiting to hear what I was going to say. It was worth the move to me.
Maybe I am just a big wimp and won't get the full character development I would if I stuck it out with situations that aren't working for me, but I think my moves have been important for my mental health and my growth as a teacher.
Be sure to take care of yourself and I'm thinking of you as you prepare for next year.
Penny.
Nice to see you back! One of the great things about teaching is no matter what your hopes and dreams, or how bad things get, you will have some reflection time during the summer. You have a wonderful opportunity to gather yourself up and greet a new set of students in a new school setting(just the changes in staff will keep things fresh for a while). I've enjoyed watching you grow. I wondered where you were.
I'm so glad you updated us that you made it through the schoolyear! Good for you!! My first year teaching was so incredibly difficult, and it wasn't even in New York City. Second year was easier in the sense that, like you said, you know what to expect, for the most part. So are you teaching in the same school for this coming schoolyear? I am rooting for you! :)
most of this could have been written by me five years ago. my first year was also hell. it was awful and torturous.
everyone told me the second year would be better. i really worried though, because what if i was the exception?
but with all that i had learned (good and bad) in my first year, the second year was like night and day--a thousand times better. i felt like i had my shit together more and was able to prevent a lot of the issues i'd had the previous year. i was so much stricter right from the get-go and i also bonded with my kids better, i think.
i am thinking good thoughts for you to continue resting and relaxing and rejuvenating this summer, and a better start to the new school year. you can do it! :)
I'm glad you survived. Before you know it, you'll be done surviving, and ready to do exactly what you set out to do at the beginning.
I hope you are enjoying the final throes of summer and that you got the much needed stress relief you deserve!
You were never really alone. Anyone who comes in with notions of doing great things comes to realize, as you did, that there's only one thing you're doing for most of that first year: surviving.
Are you teaching again this year? I'm curious to know whether you decided to keep going--I couldn't tell for sure from this post.
You mentioned how you stopped blogging because you "wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school," and that is a good idea. But I also think you could turn your writing into a source of inspiration and motivation, instead of a release as it more or less was this first year. I wrote a blog for my friends and family that detailed the day to day struggles, the misery, anger and occasional triumph. But it was really hard to write that way after a while, and I hated focusing so much on the negative. When I started I Want to Teach Forever, I decided to make something entirely positive, as much for me as for the other teachers I would ostensibly be helping. If you are continuing to teach, maybe a new direction could make this more of a source of positive thoughts for you.
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