The only way to go is up. Yesterday was as close to the bottom as I'd ever like to go. Yesterday ranks up there on the list of as one of the worst days of my life, especially in my teaching career. I was dragging, depressed, angry, upset. I was insanely mad that this place is taking teaching and turning it into something I hate, something I dread... which is Not a feeling I've felt before New York.
Today was better. As I forced myself into positive thinking this morning all the way to work... I prayed it couldn't get worse. I prayed it'd be better. I needed better. I got it. There were quite a few students gone today, not really many behavior problem students but just downsizing the number of people cramped in our room made that much of a difference. We taught. We tried some new things. Our students were learning, involved, answering questions, discussing in their groups.
For the most part, I avoided all the unpleasant people that I work with. The ones that I came into contact with, I forced myself into the kindest person I could be... I tried to imagine I still worked with the friendly co-workers from last year, the ones I looked forward to talking to. (Which reminds me of the "problems" I thought I had before this year. I had one person who would sometimes use a tone with me as if she were better than me or I was stupid. I did cry about it a couple times. I was so thin-skinned. Now to think of it, I'd probably not much notice the rudeness I perceived back then. I wish I dealt with that rudeness now in trade for what I have now! Grass is always greener...)
Anyway. For the most part a better day. Not a perfect day (some students who make bad choices had a really hard time dealing with consequences today...) but a better day. I needed it.
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2 hours ago
10 comments:
I've been there. It's difficult to keep going when faced with these kind of challenges, but the truth is if you care this much, it's nearly impossible that you're not making a difference to somebody in your classes. It's not just a cliche: if you make a difference in one students' life, you have made a real difference.
I've been looking back at a lot of notes I kept during the most tumultuous years of my teaching career, and it's eerie how similar what you're posting is to what I've been through.
There are a lot of things I could tell you to try and make you feel better, but perhaps the most important thing is this: teaching is a thankless profession. You will do amazing things and no one will notice. The fact that you've lasted this long is already a testament to your dedication.
The bottom line: unless you can give yourself some credit, it's time to consider another career. If you're waiting for someone besides me to tell you to keep going, you're going to be waiting quite a few years. The resilience, the relentless attitude must come from within.
I wish you luck!
I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago. It's my 3rd year teaching in a NYC school that sounds a lot like yours. I know you have probably heard this before but it will get better. Just think, it's almost Easter vacation.
I love reading your posts and your last one actually inspired me because sometimes I wonder if I am just over dramatic when I get to my breaking point, but it's there and sometimes this job really is THAT hard. I'm so glad you had a better day though. You deserve it!
You needed that kind of day before the weekend hit. A good Friday can make it seem possible to return on Monday. Mrs. E
I really appreciated your last post because sometimes it is easy to tricking yourself into believing that you are just being over dramatic about difficult days when, in reality, sometimes it really IS THAT BAD. Thank you for sharing the ups as well as the downs and I'm really glad you had a better day. You deserve it!
My heart breaks for you in your misery, only because I am there with you! I hate the feeling of helplessness, but I hate the disrespect from adults more. It makes you wonder when we changed from professionals and became the stomping ground of rudeness! I hope for you things get better...for me I would say they will ask for resignation :(
Glad to hear your day was a bit better. Hope it's starting to improve. Teaching can be tough. I always find it rougher when things are thrown at me that I wasn't expecting. While I don't like to think of myself as a control freak, it's nice to have things running smoothly. When things shake you, it feels as though everything is going downhill. When things are particularly crappy, take a walk or run in central park (even when it's cold - I recommend a walk around the reservoir) or grab yourself a bubble tea in Chinatown, or any number of other delights the city offers. At least you have that. :)
When you hit the bottom... you bounce. mrs. e
So far you've got some encouraging words from the previous comments, and what seems to be a common thread is "we all go through this at times."
I would absolutely agree with that. And we say that not to diminish all you're feeling now, but just to let you know that we feel for you.
One thing you've figured out: avoid people that bring you down. When you're strong, absolutely interact with those people, and try to let your positive outlook rub off on them. But when you're feeling low, AVOID THEM! You're not strong enough to resist them at that point, and you are then in danger of becoming one of them.
Kind of like vampires, but not in the nice Twilight-I'm-in-love-with-a-vampire-way.
Hang in there.
Keith
at http://teachingthatsticks.blogspot.com
I guess HS teachers have it a easier: when these same 10-yr-olds you're having trouble with get to HS, they just wander the halls all period. Just about everyone's given up on them -- not as individual kids, but when there's too many of them at one time, we can't be asked to do the impossible.
Seriously, though, I'm glad it got better for you after March 12th.
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