Observation Anxiety

I was observed, officially. I was given less than a day's notice that I would be meeting for the pre-observation meeting. It frustrated me, because as I was rushing out of the building to go enjoy my evening plans (that I'd had made weeks prior), I was stopped and told I needed to have a typed lesson ready to go for the next morning.

I've been avoiding and praying against an observation because I've heard such horrible things about the observer's feedback. Through the whole process, I was an absolute nervous wreck. I couldn't sleep at night... When I was sleeping, I was having nightmares of how my lesson would go. I was dreaming that I couldn't see to be able to read the lesson and teach. On top of my anxiety, I was actually sick and should not have been at school by any means.

The worst part of it all is that I actually have Never been afraid of being observed before... all this stress and anxiety was new to me. This school and the people I work with make me feel so incompetent (probably because of their own incompetence - ok I'm being cruel... these thoughts should be kept inside my head, but I guess this is why I have a blog.) I have been observed so many times... I'm fairly new out of college, and my college definitely had a system set up for watching their teachers. In my first job last year, my principal was in my classroom watching me teach almost daily. I also had other amazing veteran teachers in my room every day (usually at 2 different times a day) watching me teach. Like I said before, I'm not the type to get nervous about being seen teaching... I've never felt the anxiety I went through with this observation.

I survived it though. I don't want to do it again. I don't formally know how I did, but rumor is I did good. Hopefully good enough for an "S" as I don't want to be a teacher with a "U" right now... with the talk of layoffs I need to look as good as possible!

The worst part of it was the anxiety and the doubt I put in myself. I hate this place for bringing me to the point that I doubt my abilities as a teacher. I have never had a bad observation - maybe I received some constructive criticism - which I'm ALL about. I always want to get better and I know I'm not the best... but this time, I really thought I would fail. I really thought I couldn't teach.

This job is hard (understatement). No one said it would be easy though.