It's Been a Better Week

Luckily, for my mental health, it's been a better week... Even with the 14 hours I spent today working (including my commute time)... Conferences were fairly good, didn't see all the parents we needed to but definitely got some positive comments from parents (more on that later). Plus, with the early dismiss (before noon!) and only half the class present, the day was wonderfully easy. We were able to do some typing on the computers without losing our minds. (I could Never be a computer teacher. I have No patience when something is wrong with my computer - I'm always freaking out and yelling for my husband to fix it Immediately. Yet, I cannot stand when students freak out and do the same as I do when the computer isn't doing the right thing... I know, I'm kind of a hypocrite! The kids did a great today. They freaked out less than I expected. Love them :)

Anyway, I'm in need of a shower and a soft pillow for my head. More on my week this weekend (I hope).

Stuck in a Hard Spot

I'm not happy with my job. Ask my husband, my friends, my family. They are soon not going to even ask about work, because I get emotional and worked up when I am asked to go into detail about what's pushed me to the unhappiness I feel. I'm so unhappy that I have spent the weekend dreading Monday, dreading going back.

But I can't do this. I can't let myself build up so much dread and dissatisfaction for the job I must go to, at least until the end of June. It's way too early. I must find something to keep me going. I must do something in my classroom that pulls me back each day and gives me something to look forward to when I jump on that subway, when I climb the stairs of the bus, when I walk through the classroom doors, when I see the faces of my students as they enter the room.

I'm stuck in a hard spot. My goal this week is to find a way out of the constant dread... or at least a plan to calm it down a bit. I'm also going to start to push myself towards making a list of the great things that happen throughout my school day. So even if it is a horrible day, I at least have a few good things to think of when I'm falling asleep at the end of the day. (Maybe it will help me stop dreaming of the impossible transfer I keep dreaming of making -- the one to my former school in the Midwest... In my dreams, it seems so easy. Unfortunately, in reality, the commute is impossible.)

Pictures for the Teacher

Kids always draw pictures for their teachers. Throughout interning, I was always getting drawings from my students. When I got my own class, I didn't have a lot of extra space to hang the drawings I received, so I decided to file them in a binder with clear page protectors. It was an excellent way to keep the pictures my students gave me without having to find space that didn't exist for me to hang them.

This year, I haven't really received many pictures. Until recently, we didn't even have any to hang. The kids have started drawing though. Now we have a handful of them hanging on our wall. I love the simple gifts I get for being a teacher. I also love the reminders hanging on the wall telling me I'm the Best teacher in the World! What lucky students I have... They have the Best teacher in the World! :)

Actually, I think I'm pretty lucky, as far as my students go. Despite a few of our "favorites" with behavior problems, our class is filled with wonderful little people! They make us laugh often, and they are really starting to feel like a huge part of my life - a part that I don't think I want to give up (even though June is a Long way away). Since I am still new at teaching, I often wonder if every year I'll feel this way. Will I miss my last class so terribly it makes my heart sick, like I did this fall when I thought back to my first class and wondered what they were doing without me? Will every year's class fill me with wonder on how I'll ever be able to teach another class? Then I think about what it will be like someday... when my kids are all grown up. Will I keep in touch with them long enough to know where they go and what great things they do with their lives? Although it's hard to let go of students and let them grow up and move on, I hope I never lose the ability to build connections and relationships with them.

First Day of State Testing

I survived.
So did the kids.
Last year, in my old school, it was so different.
The kids did their state tests in the modern way (with technology ... a.k.a. computers).
It was also different in other ways...
I think it was that I had more control.
Here...
I.
Have.
No.
Control.
I just hope the kids did okay.
I heard many kids sharing their thoughts that it was a practice test (not surprised... I mean, we do about 10,000 of them.)
We kindly reminded them that no, it was indeed the real deal.
One more day tomorrow.
Then we have forever to wait to see how they actually did.
I'd like to think that we then have forever to go until our next test, but unfortunately, Math Predictive is coming up soon.
This City loves tests.
We test and test and test.
And when we aren't testing, we teach tests.
I want to be a teacher, teaching more than just tests (I guess I'll have to sneak it in when no one's looking).
This isn't what I signed up for.
My students will be able to take a test (maybe), but there's a good chance, they'll hardly be able to read a newspaper.

This is How I Feel...

Check out the cartoon .... Here.

Protecting Our Students

What is a teacher supposed to do to protect her students when the administration doesn't stand up and help as well? There is a student in my classroom that has committed sexual harassment to at least 5 students since the beginning of the year. The sexual harassment has been either physical or verbal but either way, is completely Inappropriate.

This week, he started making screaming noises during class. We encouraged and asked him to stop. He put on his smile and said he would, but of course continued. We ignored him, because there seems to be nothing that works to stop him and no support outside of our room for him. Today, his screaming noises turned into sexual sounding screams with a female student's name added in and body gestures to go with it. Anytime we would look away, he'd start directing this towards the poor female victim who was seated nearest to him. He'd say her name quietly at the end so it the teachers couldn't hear.

We did catch someone in the hall who removed him and took the written reports from our students who witnessed the scene, but what happened to him? Where did he go? Will he be back in class on Monday? (I can Bet you he will.) From now on, how can we protect our students? We are in a smaller classroom with over 20 people in it. He's already been removed from a regular desk and placed at the large work table furthest from the other students. Yet, this does not stop him. Any of our past reports seem to have gone unnoticed... They talk to him for a few minutes, and then send him back to class. But talking to him does Not stop him, either.

If I were a parent and my child came home with these reports, I'd be knocking down some doors demanding that my student be protected. The classroom should not be a place where students feel uncomfortable because of Sexual Harassment. I hate that I feel completely helpless in protecting my students within the walls of my classroom. We've reported the incidents to numerous people... What are we to do now?

Thought: If it were a teacher saying and doing these things to students, they'd have that teacher fired or locked in the rubber room in no time.

No Piece of Cake

I'm making a list of all the ramblings going on in my head. This may make no sense at all, but I'm a wondering soul lacking all sense at this moment.

• Tomorrow's professional development activities have nothing to do with professional development... unfortunately I still have to make a 2 hour commute to do something I could do in my own living room... and even more, something that does nothing for me as a teacher. Why waste a day I could use for learning on lame activities that really just annoy and piss me off? I was shocked when I saw the agenda for the day. In any of the schools I've been in before this point, we would have NEVER dreamed of spending the day wasting our professional development time on something that has nothing to do with improving our teachers.
  
• Our ratio is completely off in our CTT classroom. Another student with an IEP was added into our classroom that already had a ratio getting heavy in the wrong direction. No one seems to really care. What can they do anyway? What can we even do?
  
• One of the cluster teachers went off about how "horrible" I am and said horrible things about me in front of the class and ... the principal. Luckily, the principal saw the whole thing and knew I had done nothing to deserve the disrespect... Another lucky thing, I was too busy with my students (the most important parts of my day) that I didn't even (1) hear her horrible words and (2) know she was talking about me! The only reason I knew about her said "horrible words" was because the principal came to me to let me know that the cluster teacher would be "taken care of" because her actions were Not acceptable.
  
• While I'm talking about cluster teachers... today, we offered up a plan of attack that we use to help get our kids on task or back on track. We thought we'd share a strategy that worked for us to help this newer cluster teacher. Her RUDE reply was, "I don't have to do that!" Well, no you don't... and you don't really have to roll your eyes either. But you should keep in mind the kind of control a teacher has over whether or not her class is calm when you show up. (No I wouldn't do anything to get my students crazy on purpose, but if I really were a spiteful teacher, I could. My students wouldn't mind one bit, because it would involve playing games right before that cluster teacher showed up.) These people are pushing me to think evil thoughts.
  
• I was called a mean teacher today. "Why do you have to be so mean?" Ha... good question. So I asked 15 of my other students if I was mean to them today. All of them said the same thing... "No Teacher, you weren't mean to me." Huh... Interesting. So I wonder what it is that made me "mean"? Maybe it was the constant blurting out that kept other students learning to their fullest potential. Or maybe it was the disrespect these students showed each of the teachers and the other students throughout the day. Maybe it was because these students were out of their seats running around. I wonder if it had something to do with the cursing and name calling session that took place? The fact that these students couldn't simply get in the line after lunch probably had something to do with it. What about when these students refused to do any work or when they knocked other students' work off the desks? Maybe the pencil throwing that took place ALL day had something to do with it. ... I have to constantly remind myself of how many great students I have. 3-5 of them take over my mind and their actions block the memory of my true charms. You'd think I didn't know how to handle students... but I wonder if anyone actually knows what to do with some of these kids. Any behavior problems I've seen previous to this year, seem like Nothing now. Someday, when my health can't handle NYC Public Schools, I'll be in classes where "behavior problems" are a piece of cake. Until then, this is no piece of cake.
  
• Speaking of health, I think the stress of this job is starting to do something to me. My appetite has gone down. My stomach is in knots constantly. I cannot even handle someone teasing in good fun me without breaking into tears and hyperventilating as if I'm about to have a panic/anxiety attack. My eyes have never been so bloodshot... even in college when I spent hours reading, studying, and working on my computer. What kind of long term health problems is this job going to lead me to?
• I did get a wonderful email from one of my past co-workers from a far away land outside of the city. She couldn't have sent it at a better moment... This lost teacher needed a reminder of her purpose. So thank you Mrs. F, I needed your words of encouragement... I'm so happy I had the chance last year to build friendships and work with Amazing teachers. I had the chance to find people I Truly respect as teachers, as professionals. At least I have someone to look up to, to fall back on - even if it is only be an email every now and than rather than having rooms down the hall from each other.