No Piece of Cake

I'm making a list of all the ramblings going on in my head. This may make no sense at all, but I'm a wondering soul lacking all sense at this moment.

• Tomorrow's professional development activities have nothing to do with professional development... unfortunately I still have to make a 2 hour commute to do something I could do in my own living room... and even more, something that does nothing for me as a teacher. Why waste a day I could use for learning on lame activities that really just annoy and piss me off? I was shocked when I saw the agenda for the day. In any of the schools I've been in before this point, we would have NEVER dreamed of spending the day wasting our professional development time on something that has nothing to do with improving our teachers.
  
• Our ratio is completely off in our CTT classroom. Another student with an IEP was added into our classroom that already had a ratio getting heavy in the wrong direction. No one seems to really care. What can they do anyway? What can we even do?
  
• One of the cluster teachers went off about how "horrible" I am and said horrible things about me in front of the class and ... the principal. Luckily, the principal saw the whole thing and knew I had done nothing to deserve the disrespect... Another lucky thing, I was too busy with my students (the most important parts of my day) that I didn't even (1) hear her horrible words and (2) know she was talking about me! The only reason I knew about her said "horrible words" was because the principal came to me to let me know that the cluster teacher would be "taken care of" because her actions were Not acceptable.
  
• While I'm talking about cluster teachers... today, we offered up a plan of attack that we use to help get our kids on task or back on track. We thought we'd share a strategy that worked for us to help this newer cluster teacher. Her RUDE reply was, "I don't have to do that!" Well, no you don't... and you don't really have to roll your eyes either. But you should keep in mind the kind of control a teacher has over whether or not her class is calm when you show up. (No I wouldn't do anything to get my students crazy on purpose, but if I really were a spiteful teacher, I could. My students wouldn't mind one bit, because it would involve playing games right before that cluster teacher showed up.) These people are pushing me to think evil thoughts.
  
• I was called a mean teacher today. "Why do you have to be so mean?" Ha... good question. So I asked 15 of my other students if I was mean to them today. All of them said the same thing... "No Teacher, you weren't mean to me." Huh... Interesting. So I wonder what it is that made me "mean"? Maybe it was the constant blurting out that kept other students learning to their fullest potential. Or maybe it was the disrespect these students showed each of the teachers and the other students throughout the day. Maybe it was because these students were out of their seats running around. I wonder if it had something to do with the cursing and name calling session that took place? The fact that these students couldn't simply get in the line after lunch probably had something to do with it. What about when these students refused to do any work or when they knocked other students' work off the desks? Maybe the pencil throwing that took place ALL day had something to do with it. ... I have to constantly remind myself of how many great students I have. 3-5 of them take over my mind and their actions block the memory of my true charms. You'd think I didn't know how to handle students... but I wonder if anyone actually knows what to do with some of these kids. Any behavior problems I've seen previous to this year, seem like Nothing now. Someday, when my health can't handle NYC Public Schools, I'll be in classes where "behavior problems" are a piece of cake. Until then, this is no piece of cake.
  
• Speaking of health, I think the stress of this job is starting to do something to me. My appetite has gone down. My stomach is in knots constantly. I cannot even handle someone teasing in good fun me without breaking into tears and hyperventilating as if I'm about to have a panic/anxiety attack. My eyes have never been so bloodshot... even in college when I spent hours reading, studying, and working on my computer. What kind of long term health problems is this job going to lead me to?
• I did get a wonderful email from one of my past co-workers from a far away land outside of the city. She couldn't have sent it at a better moment... This lost teacher needed a reminder of her purpose. So thank you Mrs. F, I needed your words of encouragement... I'm so happy I had the chance last year to build friendships and work with Amazing teachers. I had the chance to find people I Truly respect as teachers, as professionals. At least I have someone to look up to, to fall back on - even if it is only be an email every now and than rather than having rooms down the hall from each other.