Countdown of the Week

3 kids who don't bring back any homework, ever (or so it seems).

2 physical fights almost started yesterday (I hate violence).

1 more day until SPRING BREAK! (Hallelujah!)

I. Need. It. I've been singing "They're coming to take me a way. Ha ha! He He!" on a regular basis lately... This break is definitely much needed!

Parent Teacher Conferences

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with them... Conferences were last week. It wasn't too bad. More than anything it was exhausting. Two sessions that ran about 2 hours each, and twenty something parents... I was so exhausted that I left depressed. Such a different experience from my Midwest conferences.

• Had a few conferences with parents who don't speak English (that happens in some places in the Midwest, just not something I had experienced). The language barrier makes communication so difficult for us. So often I find myself wishing I would have acquired Spanish through college.
  
• Parents asking two young children-less women for parenting advice. I came prepared this time. Told a few parents to take away privileges (those things the kids are using as excuses for not doing homework... TV in particular). I was very adamant. I would have never taken that stance with parents of last year's students. They would have thought I'd crossed the line. This year, I feel like some of these parents have let their kids do what they please to the point of no control. One parent was proud of herself for following through with a 4 day punishment. She usually lets her student off within the day.
  
• A while back, we were even offered money from a student in trade for a good report. Laughable. The parent laughed about it. We also confirmed that the student had been forging the parent's signature. These kids....
  
• Some of the parents told the same stories as we heard last set of conferences... I guess some things never change. Interesting when they go on and on about how bad their student is at home, when they aren't a problem at school. Not really sure how to respond to that information, other than try to encourage the student to behave at home...
  
• A few parents showed their violent sides. Threatening to beat their children, cursing them right in front of us (the F-bomb took me by surprise a few times!). We'll be keeping our eyes on those kids for any scratches and bruises. I was a bit scared of this violence. Sadly, it seems to be a norm with this community.
  
• Got in trouble for asking for supplies... Got them anyway. What's a teacher to do when students seem to eat pencils daily? (Wish I knew the hidden hole these pencils get hidden in, because I'd love to discover the mounds that must be collecting somewhere. That or they literally eat them.) Students have to write, right? Then again, this is me asking a question that seems to make sense, when I work in a place that does the opposite of anything that makes sense!

My team teacher did an amazing job with conferences. She really knows how to word things with the parents!! It really is wonderful having two teachers!

When You Hit Bottom...

The only way to go is up. Yesterday was as close to the bottom as I'd ever like to go. Yesterday ranks up there on the list of as one of the worst days of my life, especially in my teaching career. I was dragging, depressed, angry, upset. I was insanely mad that this place is taking teaching and turning it into something I hate, something I dread... which is Not a feeling I've felt before New York.

Today was better. As I forced myself into positive thinking this morning all the way to work... I prayed it couldn't get worse. I prayed it'd be better. I needed better. I got it. There were quite a few students gone today, not really many behavior problem students but just downsizing the number of people cramped in our room made that much of a difference. We taught. We tried some new things. Our students were learning, involved, answering questions, discussing in their groups.

For the most part, I avoided all the unpleasant people that I work with. The ones that I came into contact with, I forced myself into the kindest person I could be... I tried to imagine I still worked with the friendly co-workers from last year, the ones I looked forward to talking to. (Which reminds me of the "problems" I thought I had before this year. I had one person who would sometimes use a tone with me as if she were better than me or I was stupid. I did cry about it a couple times. I was so thin-skinned. Now to think of it, I'd probably not much notice the rudeness I perceived back then. I wish I dealt with that rudeness now in trade for what I have now! Grass is always greener...)

Anyway. For the most part a better day. Not a perfect day (some students who make bad choices had a really hard time dealing with consequences today...) but a better day. I needed it.

could it get any worse

i'm miserable. beyond miserable. i've never felt so miserable.

this job is slowly torturing me to my death... and medication may be needed in my near future. i cannot remember if i smiled today. i don't think i did. i tried. i tried to see those few well behaved kids who want to learn through the gray cloud of misery, disrespect, chaos, upheaval, disorder, confusion, craziness. i just couldn't zone out the hell that surrounded me today.

this will not be a happy post. you have probably picked up on that by now. my stomach has been in knots more often this school year than in my whole past life combined. i've been unable to write, really write, about this whole teaching experience for a while. i used to write on the subway, now it's all i can do to force myself to read a few pages of a book or even keep my eyes open. i am a zombie, a teaching zombie. i get home and the last thing i want to do is think about school and fill my safe haven with thoughts of school hell. i can't bring it back here. i can't bring it to my computer, my home, to the place where i relax and calm down and enjoy life... as much as possible outside of work.

as i said this will not be a happy post. it's a rant...

my class size increased by 25% because of changes in the grade level. the students are pissed off about being put in my room and therefore defiant and miserable and sharing it with the rest of the class. not only do they bring us down in the room, but we also are officially packed in tighter than sardines.

recently, i was grabbed, jerked to a stop, and yelled at by another teacher in front of students. i couldn't believe the situation and the true disrespect that was actually shown. i'm furious that people like this even work in a school around children. had this interaction happened with a child, the teacher might have had another thing coming... i apologized, not even sure what it was i did... which turned out to be an accident that happened without me realizing. whatever though. whatever. i'm not used to this. i've never seen this before. it shocks me at the way some people act. i only hope i don't turn into them. i only hope i haven't alraedy turned into them.

i have two students who are completely capable of learning. they just don't care. they don't do their homework, Ever. their parents don't do anything about it (then again, one of them practically asked two young teachers, without children, for parenting advice... uhh sorry lady, i'm teacher. can't help you there...) i asked them both what they did instead of doing homework... what could be so important in a 10 year old's life that they have no time for homework, ever. ... television. i told them that i forbid them from watching tv anymore. yah... because i can say that. but again, whatever. something the parents should be saying. makes me think i won't even have a tv when i have kids. anyway. i'm just frustrated by the laziness of some of these kids. they don't even care. i feel like we try so hard, of course, my teaching here in this school doesn't look like teaching i know i can do... there is something about this place that holds me back (probably the behaviors... the outbreaks, the yelling, the chaos, the disruptions)

i've learned my limitations. i cannot push myself too far. i cannot let this place ruin my spirit. lucky for me there is another teacher to help, even if we are both in shambles about to fall to pieces. at least i'm not alone, suffering.

days like today make me want to move home. a former co-worker of mine was talking about her classroom troubles... talking, catty girls... but after giving parents a phone call, it's taken care of. sigh. and she teaches. she actually teaches. she plans, she creates, she teaches. i try. i try to teach. i'm scared i'll forget what teaching actually looks like. i'm scared i'll forget how to teach those willing to be taught. those willing to listen, to behave. i'm scared i'll forget how much i love teaching. i already want to go back to school, to find something different. i won't though. i won't let this school kill my dream.

three and a half weeks until spring break. god help me survive.

Rally and Letter

Last week, I joined about 70,000 other people near City Hall to rally for fair budgeting. It was a first time experience for me, as I've never been to a rally or really even seen one in real life. Upon arriving, I was given a sign and joined the thousands of other people who filled the streets to show that we would not stand by and let our budgets get cut in education, health care, daycare.

The Union President sent out a letter last week following the rally to encourage others to make their voices heard in one more way. If you haven't, and you are interested, click here and let your Senator and Representative know that you too support a fair budget.

Math Test Over

Phew. Math test done. Now on to the waiting game to find out if the students actually made improvements. Our goal was to see improvements in all of our students' scores. The test contained questions that were all covered from the beginning of the school year to now... It seemed that the test was pretty straight forward, and even almost easy. I was trying to compare it to the test my students from last year took (in another state). I can't exactly remember what the test was like last year... probably because I've got NY tests and standards in my head.

I'm curious to see what happens now. I've heard rumors that after the math test, the students Lose it... School becomes pointless and all learning (or the learning there was before) is gone out the window. Nothing motivates the kids and keeps them moving forward. Of course, I don't see mass chaos breaking out in our classroom. We do have a few field trips to hold over their sweet little brains. Talking of which, field trips will be my key phrase whenever I need a reminder of something happy, something to keep me moving forward... when other staff members are exceptionally disrespectful or one of my particular favorites pushes me to the point of wishing there weren't bars over my classroom windows... Sometimes I wonder what kind of working environment I've plopped myself into. I definitely close my door as often as possible and focus as much attention as possible on my children. I remind myself that they are my purpose, no matter how much the rest of the "school world" drags me down.

It is interesting though... heading back into teaching, not even sure when it is that I got away from what I consider teaching (a normal day of hitting all subjects and not focusing on only one -- recently being math because of the math test... before was reading... before that was social studies... before that... I taught in a school where there was a focus on all subjects ALL the time...) I will be re-focusing myself this weekend, curious at the changes that will take place in the classroom without a huge push on any one specific subject. We will be working with our students as readers, as they are definitely FAR behind. We will also begin preparing our students with post-March standards and for the transition to next year's math.

Hope all of you 3rd and 5th grade teachers are basking in the joy of being done with Math tests... and good luck to 4th who have another day of tests and the other grades that come later this year... Happy Friday to all! O and doesn't time change this weekend?

Side Note on NYC Snow Days

According to an article on the NY Times website, schools have been closed only four times since 1982 because of the snow! And the 5 year streak since the last has been broken (secret cheer!)

In other words, NYC DOE never closes school for snow days. We had 4 snow days at my Midwest school before the school year was half over last year. Huh. I like the "we always go to school, no matter what" mentality, but maybe I like snow days more. (From the rumors, D.C. might be a good place to teach for snow day lovers...)

I Always Welcome a Snow Day

I've long since come to accept the fact that NYC doesn't have snow days. It's been hard, because, since I was a young student, I've always associated any forecast of snow as a forecast for a possible snow day. Growing up in the Midwest, we had plenty of snow days... plenty of snow days in a row (had about a week off in the middle December last school year)... and even some snow days that never amounted to much snow, but more of a day off (a prediction of bad weather was sometimes enough to cancel school... imagine the surprise when the weather never quite amounted to much, but all the students were home enjoying the day off!).

So imagine my surprise, happiness, excitement when, at 6:15 a.m. my co-teacher calls to inform a hardly-awake teacher that there was NO SCHOOL! (I was still in bed... trying to push the clock on being on time this particular Monday morning.) As I let out a quiet cheer, I jumped back in bed to enjoy a morning of sleeping in!!

Unfortunately, although I very much enjoyed my snow day, I think this will make me hopeful at the possibility of more to come when snow is forecasted in the future. I'll be wishing and hoping... Just because it happened that one time!

Hope everyone else loved the happy news of a snow day! I know I had a wonderful Monday :)

Greetings March

Dear March,

I'm happy to see you are here. I'm happy I still have a job. I'm happy I've survived teaching in New York City, specifically the Bronx, for 6 months. Wow! 6 months! I'm happy that in 4 months I'll be able to say I conquered a year of teaching in NYC... something beyond challenging.

I'm happy that I'm starting to feel less stressed out about everything. I'm happy I'm realizing just how much I love my students (even if it took me 6 months to really start admitting it to myself... everything else has been blinding me from it... or something?)

I'm happy that testing for math is this week... because I'm ready to have it over with. I'm happy that I've taught all the math standards for my grade... even though I know some of the students have not mastered them to the point of being fully successful. I'm sure they will make improvements to where they stood last year... and with what I've been given to work with, any types of improvements would make me extremely happy!

I'm happy that there are 5 and a half weeks until Spring Break (of course I'm counting!) I'm happy that I will be taking a field trip with my students between now and Spring Break AND that I have professional development day planned before Spring Break!

So March, even if you have Math testing, Parent Teacher Conferences, and not a day of break... Welcome. I'm greeting you with a smile! Please do your best to keep me happy throughout the month!

My best thoughts,
Teacher

Black History Month

February was Black History Month. We had quite the celebration at our school in honor of it. With the lack of diversity in the Midwest (I guess we'd all assume this to be the reasoning?), I've never seen a celebration quite like it!

The dancing, singing, celebrating was quite enjoyable. Definitely a first experience for me, but one I hope to enjoy again! The energy that was filling the room was enough to even get this teacher clapping and cheering along (this teacher who lacks all ability to keep a beat or bust any sort of move!). It was definitely something to hear the speeches of famous African Americans recited by students in all grades. The words of these important people ringing out in the voices of these young children sent chills down my spine and goosebumps across my skin. I was amazed as I watched young students dancing traditional African dances and expressing themselves through other forms of dance as well... (these students compared to my previous students CAN DANCE! I would have never fit in as a child because, as I already stated, I CANNOT dance! At all.) It's so interesting to see the kids get up and perform. It's less structured than what I'm used to seeing from my Midwest experience. The students seem to be more open to expressing themselves through dancing, singing, reciting poems and speeches. They are less fearful.

It was an empowering experience. If I do teach in a place where diversity is lacking, I must find a way to bring it into the school... to bring an experience similar to the one I had last month in my school and share it with the students... in some way or another. (Sadly, I won't be able to do any of the dancing... I'll have to find someone to help me out with that one!)

What did your school do to celebrate and honor Black History Month?

Testing Survey: Take before FRIDAY!

Wouldn't it be nice if my 5th graders could be tested for 5th grade reading after they've had a school year of learning at the 5th grade level? It makes sense to me... but unfortunately, NY kids take the ELA in January (not even halfway through the school year.)

Want to change this? We go to school until the end of June, but the state assesses our kids for English Language Arts almost 6 months before the school year is over and in math 4 months before the year is over.

Click here to take the survey and share your opinions about when the State Tests should be administered (sadly "NEVER" isn't an option...) There's an article here about it....

Wish I Knew Nothing

Sometimes, I wish I were oblivious to the problems with the economy and the threat of losing my job. Reading the news stories that said my job would be cut... Then hearing it at school... 1st, 2nd, 3rd year teachers you're as good as gone... I've not felt this anxiety, this lack of control, this fear of something being so unknown and unsure.

Now, it's been said we (1st, 2nd, 3rd year teachers) are "safe"... the stimulus funding will help... but I'm again just a 1st year teacher in the city... am I really safe? My name is Low on the seniority list. (I mean LOW as in at the bottom, almost.)

Weingarten is right. Teachers start hearing they'll be losing their jobs, and we all start thinking about what to do, where to go, etc. etc... which means, we are Not putting all of our energy into teaching our students who desperately need all the teaching time they can get (at least mine do!).

The whole "not enough" thing scares me, because as I said, I'm the bottom of the totem pole. This is when I wish I knew nothing. This issue of layoffs is so far out of my control. There isn't a thing I can do to prepare myself. I try to push it out of my mind... I'm trying to be optimistic.

Teaching in this city is 100 times more stressful than I ever wish upon anyone.

What Will Pull Me Through

As I previously posted, I was very sad to see the end of this week. Most teachers, outside the city, wouldn't even think of the last week as anything particularly special. Most teachers inside the city live for a week like last week... a week of No School!

I had a most amazing time being off work. I think I was in heaven. I realized though, as I come down off my happy high, I will begin to slump into a low... a sad, depressing low. Hopefully, as the children come back to school this next week, they'll be calm and almost zombie-ish from having no set sleep schedule over the last week. The calm will help ease me back into the school mode, as I'm sure I'll seem a zombie right along with them.

January and the first part of February seemed to zoom right past because I did a good job of setting up something to look forward to that helped pull me right through. Now, I am beginning to build myself up again with something to look forward to...

1. Spring Break... It's not until April... about 6 and a half weeks away. But it does last for a week and a couple days. I have no particular plans, but who needs them when you live in NYC.

2. The end of the school year... The end of June. 124 days, counting weekends and all. (all according to the countdown I started last month!)

3. A mental health day in March. I think I might need one. 6 weeks without one day off... not sure I'll actually survive it (sounds pathetic compared to people who work the normal 9 to 5... but I'd trade them to work in an office over my school anytime!). I've been planning to take one anyway... I'll have to start looking at the schedule and set a day for the middle of March, maybe at the 3 week mark. (How sad am I? I never took or thought about mental health days before... This year, I've had to.)

4. Field trips. We have a few scheduled between now and Spring Break and a few scheduled after Spring Break. I haven't posted about my happy thoughts that come when I think of field trips (post to come soon), but I must say, they make my teaching in NYC worth it (Almost, I think!)

There are 4 things to pull me through. I think I'll try to add a few small things in each week (that one T.V. show we watch every week, later mornings on Friday so I can get a wonderful coffee drink, special get-togethers or trips...)

Anybody else have things they must think about to survive the job? I've always had them, but never used them as such a crutch... such a lifeline.

Sad to See Friday

This may be the first Friday in a long time that I am sad to see come. I have completely enjoyed having the week off away from school. I actually haven't had a thought of it all week, until last night... Of course that led to less sleep and stressful dreams... It's all coming back... but I'm pushing school out of my thoughts until Sunday evening (as best I can!)

Hope all of you other NYC teachers have been enjoying your break as well!

The Day Before Valentine's Day

In an elementary school, I would Expect Valentine's Day to be celebrated. It, along with so many other holidays, is celebrated across the country in elementary classrooms for children to enjoy. Since it's on Saturday this year, today is the day of the big party.

In all of our excitement, we informally planned a little celebration. We asked our kiddos to bring treats if they pleased and planned a fun game to play for the last 45 minutes or so of class. It was to work out perfectly, celebrating the sweet holiday at the end of our day right before a week off. Well... I should never get pumped up for anything, because this school has the intention of ruining all happiness and sucking joy right out of our very souls. (I'm dramatic, but with reason.)

This morning, as the charms carried in their bags of snacks and treats, and piled them on the snack table, my supervisor entered the room and demanded I talk to her. She asked if our class had planned a party, and with a smile I informed her it was to be at the very end of the day. She got gruff with me and informed that we had not informed her of this party and now it would not be taking place. We didn't give her notice and our custodians had no idea, so therefore, we were not to have the party at the end of the day.

I apologized. I thought if I explained it had completely slipped my mind... I mean, we had gone to ask her permission for every other time we'd done this and she'd smiled and agreed without issue. Now, because we didn't give her the "power" she felt deserved, we were refused the party.

Furious at the thought... What did she think we would be doing today? Is she so dim that she forgot she works in an elementary school where the celebration of Valentine's Day and other such holidays brings great joy to children??... I mean, I couldn't have imagined NOT celebrating the holiday as a child (my heart would have broken). AHHH. This place makes me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

We hunted down the custodians, multiple custodians. We asked for permission and a few supplies so we could make sure to clean up after our party. They looked at us like we were nut jobs... what did they care if we had a party and why the hell were we asking them if it was ok? Frankly, it had nothing to do with them. It was a case of someone wanting to show off the power they have over us lowly teachers... I mean, we are going to be gone for a week... who's this person going to have to degrade for the week? God. I need this break. I'm going to spend the week forgetting how unbelievably horribly my school is... 132 days until summer.