i'm miserable. beyond miserable.
i've never felt so miserable.
this job is slowly torturing me to my death... and medication may be needed in my near future. i cannot remember if i smiled today. i don't think i did. i tried. i tried to see those few well behaved kids who want to learn through the gray cloud of misery, disrespect, chaos, upheaval, disorder, confusion, craziness. i just couldn't zone out the hell that surrounded me today.
this will not be a happy post. you have probably picked up on that by now. my stomach has been in knots more often this school year than in my whole past life combined.
i've been unable to write, really write, about this whole teaching experience for a while. i used to write on the subway, now it's all i can do to force myself to read a few pages of a book or even keep my eyes open. i am a zombie, a teaching zombie. i get home and the last thing i want to do is think about school and fill my safe haven with thoughts of school hell. i can't bring it back here. i can't bring it to my computer, my home, to the place where i relax and calm down and enjoy life... as much as possible outside of work.
as i said this will not be a happy post. it's a rant...
my class size increased by 25% because of changes in the grade level. the students are pissed off about being put in my room and therefore defiant and miserable and sharing it with the rest of the class. not only do they bring us down in the room, but we also are officially packed in tighter than sardines.
recently, i was grabbed, jerked to a stop, and yelled at by another teacher in front of students. i couldn't believe the situation and the true disrespect that was actually shown.
i'm furious that people like this even work in a school around children. had this interaction happened with a child, the teacher might have had another thing coming... i apologized, not even sure what it was i did... which turned out to be an accident that happened without me realizing. whatever though. whatever.
i'm not used to this.
i've never seen this before. it shocks me at the way some people act. i only hope i don't turn into them. i only hope i haven't alraedy turned into them.
i have two students who are completely capable of learning. they just don't care. they don't do their homework, Ever. their parents don't do anything about it (then again, one of them practically asked two young teachers, without children, for parenting advice...
uhh sorry lady, i'm teacher. can't help you there...) i asked them both what they did instead of doing homework... what could be so important in a 10 year
old's life that they have no time for homework, ever. ... television. i told them that i forbid them from watching
tv anymore.
yah... because i can say that. but again, whatever. something the parents should be saying. makes me think i won't even have a
tv when i have kids. anyway.
i'm just frustrated by the laziness of some of these kids. they don't even care. i feel like we try so hard, of course, my teaching here in this school doesn't look like teaching i know i can do... there is something about this place that holds me back (probably the behaviors... the outbreaks, the yelling, the chaos, the disruptions)
i've learned my limitations. i cannot push myself too far. i cannot let this place ruin my spirit. lucky for me there is another teacher to help, even if we are both in shambles about to fall to pieces. at least
i'm not alone, suffering.
days like today make me want to move home. a former co-worker of mine was talking about her classroom troubles... talking, catty girls... but after giving parents a phone call, it's taken care of. sigh. and she teaches. she actually teaches. she plans, she creates, she teaches. i try. i try to teach.
i'm scared
i'll forget what teaching actually looks like.
i'm scared
i'll forget how to teach those willing to be taught. those willing to listen, to behave. i'm scared i'll forget how much i love teaching. i already want to go back to school, to find something different. i won't though. i won't let this school kill my dream.
three and a half weeks until spring break. god help me survive.