The Difference

I'm starting my 5th year of teaching, but it is the 1st time that I actually feel the positive affects of repeating a grade with very similar scope & sequence of units in subject areas! I cannot believe how much better I am teaching! Imagine how great I would be if I were able to continue to teach and improve the units for a few more years!!!

I was recently explaining how wonderful it felt to a co-worker, and she mentioned how teachers should be contracted to stay in the same grade for several years when they are hired into a position. I think I agree with her. I spent the last few months fearing an unwanted move to another grade. I knew it would cause me to spend hours and hours and hours trying to figure everything out again. And in all the time I'd spend starting over, my students would feel it. Luckily, I wasn't moved. :)

So far, the year has started out busy. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, plus I'm working by myself this year. This is the last week I'll allow myself to work late at school. Starting next Monday, I'm only going to allow myself to stay until 5 at the latest and only on a few days - not all 5! I'm also going to work to share more postings on here. I'd like to post ideas for the classroom, management, and instruction. These ideas are most likely not only my own. Teaching is a constant collaboration with others and often trial and error to find out what actually works for you as a teacher. So, although I am posting about what works for me, I am also not taking credit for coming up with the idea/strategy/lesson all by myself! Now, let's just hope I give myself time & energy for these posts!

Summer Work

Since I've been a full-time teacher, I have lived by the belief that summers are my time with a little time spent preparing for the next year. This summer, I have been doing a little of my time, but more time working. I spent a few days preparing my classroom, organizing books for my units, and planning. When things are not organized, they get pushed away somewhere and left untouched, unused, and collecting dust. Since I had the time and am teaching the same grade next year, I wanted to take full advantage of having everything in line!

Today, I was back at school again... Organizing the book room and even participating in my first interviews on the interviewer side rather than that stressful interviewee side! It's an interesting place to be - I was more of an observer than a questioner (Probably kind of nerve-wracking to have a handful of teachers sitting around a table looking at you and asking questions... but it's how we do things at this school. & we aren't trying to be scary, instead we are trying to be involved in finding a person who will fit best in our school, who is as committed and as passionate as we are, and who is willing to work Hard!)

I am planning to take some days off (tomorrow for sure), but right now, I'm enjoying the work of getting things ready for fall. It's a really good sign. When a teacher gives up some of her summer to work at school, you can tell she really, really LOVES her school!

4 Weeks Left

Summer is nearly here. 4 weeks and counting for New York City schools.

I know there are people wondering how my school year went since I changed to my new school last August. (Wow! I really have posted since August! Not surprised. I worked HARD this year!!)

I have to share with you that the new school is AMAZING! AMAZING!!! I have had a wonderful year of teaching & growing as a teacher and a professional. My principal and assistant principal are FANTASTIC (even though, they are sadly leaving next year to move on to bigger and better things... i.e. doctorate program @ an Ivy League school). My colleagues are OUTSTANDING! They work hard, they take their jobs as teachers seriously, but they also find time to have fun together! We work hand-in-hand with our administrators to make decisions about the school and everything we do, we do our very best work on.

The school itself has a wonderful community for the students. We work to show our kids that the world is like one big community, and it succeeds on our collective input to make it a better place, to help others, and to understand that we all must work together.

I am finishing up my 4th year of teaching, and although I have an amazing school... The prospect/threat/fear of being laid off from the city is still quite strong. Every year the same thing. We will see what happens. Hopefully the threat of lay offs will pass as it has the past 2 years... And if not, I'm bracing myself for the changes it will bring. WISH ME LUCK!

A New Place

When I first moved to New York City to teach in an inner city school, I was so unaware of what I was getting myself into. Unfortunately, but maybe also fortunately (in some crazy twist), I was placed into a school that provided me with an experience that was so unbelievable, I couldn't even begin to explain to someone who hasn't been there themselves.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd be so miserable in this career I'd chosen. Before coming to NYC, I'd LOVED teaching so much and had never looked at it as a Job. It was my passion. It was my place. It was a rewarding challenge. It brought me great happiness. I never dreaded going to teach. I was excited about everything, constantly seeking out new knowledge, looking to the veteran teachers as mentors and advisers, and absolutely enjoying my time with my students. That all changed when I moved to NYC. Completely.

I spent a few years in a place that I hope I never have to return to. I did a complete 180 in the way I looked at my career. It became a job, but even worse. No one should have to go through what I went through in this school (and to think there's a chance, and I'm sure there is - I can't imagine it, but it wouldn't surprise me - that there is a place worse than mine...) I cannot hardly think of how unfair it is for the students in that place. Stuck there. And no matter how many good teachers filled this rooms of that building, it was still impossible. Still a hell on earth. It will be my own form of the Dark Ages.

What was so bad about that place...? A number of things... There was something about the way the school was running that really, truly affected it. I know that our administrators are put under immense pressure and in no way do I envy their jobs (well maybe their 6-figure salaries ;) joking.) But it seemed that all the Real issues were swept under the rug, and the issues brought to the table were so ridiculously unimportant. There was a lack of community, which lead to major problems in the way the students acted and behaved. They are surrounded by a life style outside of the school walls that shouldn't be brought into the classrooms, that doesn't support learning... but because of the school's lack to show respect (adults showing adults respect, adults showing children respect) the students had a very poor environment in which to grow and learn in. The other thing that I hated about that place was the fear. I was always afraid I'd get in trouble. And the worst of it was, if I actually stopped myself and reassessed what my actions were, I had NO REASON to be afraid. I'd done nothing wrong. Somehow, in that building, our administrators had instilled a fear in us, and we were terrified.

I had not planned on leaving. (What?! Was I absolutely out of my mind to not even TRY!) By the end of the school year in a place like that, you are so worn down that all you can think about is the moments when you don't have to think about teaching at all. (This is Not characteristic of me at ALL from before the Dark Ages.) Then, something happened. I was introduced to a school. I dragged my feet. I had no resume ready. I had not contacted any references. I didn't want to tell my old job that I was possibly leaving. I didn't want to move my stuff. I didn't want to start over. My husband put his foot down. He said the worst that could happen is that I don't get hired, and the best that could happen is I find a better place and he doesn't have to hold back from asking me how my day is... he doesn't have to tell me to stop when I accidentally slip and start talking about work... he doesn't have to see me miserable and be unable to help me.

I did a little research on the school and found, even though it's still an inner city school in the middle of NYC, it reminded me so much of home, of the school I had taught in before I came to NYC. That old memory of passion for teaching flashed before me, enough to spark it within. Not too long after, I was happy to be hired and transferring to a new destination.

This new year will start in a new place. I know it will be better. It already is and the school year hasn't even started. I know there will be problems... but I also know that I've seen Problems and will most likely end up being thankful for the problems I will be seeing because they won't be as bad as the problems I've seen.

Sadly, the Dark Ages will continue to impact me as a teacher. I am aware of this and have been doing whatever I can to tone my old way of thinking down, to make room for the way I was before the Dark Ages. A part of me feels guilty for leaving the sinking ship, but I have to be realistic, if I would have stayed, I would have drowned with it.

Six Weeks into the School Year

We've been in school for six weeks, and I sadly haven't gotten a second to post. I'm doing a quick post between looking at data and waiting for dinner to be done. The year has actually been quite fantastic! Incredibly busy though, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I burn out. I am hoping that doesn't come soon, because I am enjoying the work I am doing, despite the time it has been taking in and out of the classroom. 

There's been a huge push for data in our school. I've always understood its importance and attempted to use it and keep it to guide my teaching. Yet, I think I've been on and off with it, between all the other things pressing and trying to keep my sanity while getting a grip on the beginning of my career as a teacher. This year is a different story. I began organizing my data before the school year started. I figured out systems for my classroom as far as organizing data and keeping it accessible  for planning and reflecting. These first weeks of school have been mad chaos as I've been trying to really get these systems up and going. It is crazy how much time and effort it takes to really put these systems into place... Even more difficult when you have almost 30 different sets of data to analyze, understand, and use! One of my favorite ways to organize my data are checklists. These are what I use most to keep track of my students' progress. Some are provided by the curriculum I use in my school and some I create myself. 

It's interesting how different this school year is from last year. It is seriously like night and day. My third year of teaching, second in New York City, is so much more comfortable than last year. (My first year of teaching was probably my favorite, despite how much I feel I have grown as a teacher since then. The environment I worked in was just all around better.) Although I do spend many moments during my days feeling like I'm stuck in a nightmare of chaos (what person stuck in a tiny room filled with desks and almost 30 10-year-olds doesn't though?), I am loving my many students and the way the school year is starting. 

School is Starting

We are days away from school starting... and to answer all of you wondering if I was indeed returning, the answer is yes. I am returning, and somehow, I've found myself extremely excited about it! 

I am already feeling the difference from preparing during my first year in this school to preparing for this year as my second year in this school. I already know I'll be starting with more a more solid standing. 

On my last post, Mr. D, from I Want to Teach Forever, left a comment that I've been thinking about the last few weeks. 

You mentioned how you stopped blogging because you "wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school," and that is a good idea. But I also think you could turn your writing into a source of inspiration and motivation, instead of a release as it more or less was this first year. I wrote a blog for my friends and family that detailed the day to day struggles, the misery, anger and occasional triumph. But it was really hard to write that way after a while, and I hated focusing so much on the negative. When I started I Want to Teach Forever, I decided to make something entirely positive, as much for me as for the other teachers I would ostensibly be helping. If you are continuing to teach, maybe a new direction could make this more of a source of positive thoughts for you.

I'm thinking he's right... A new direction. I'm aware that I need to change the way I think, the way I share. Last school year, it didn't take me long to realize that people thought they'd want to know about the troubles of  teaching in inner-city schools, but the truth is, they really don't. It turns out to sound more like complaining and completely changes the moods of myself and my listener. I soon realized that I didn't want to talk about it either, so I stopped. Or at least tried to as much as possible. 

Mr. D is also right in the fact that I did spend the whole year last year in survival mode. I was just trying to keep enough oxygen in my lungs to keep me from collapsing... I was not able to do all the fun, creative, time-consuming preparation required activities with my class last year that I'd done in previous years when I had taught outside the city. 

This year is different. I know I can survive... I know I can do a little more than just survive. I'm really pushing myself to be a better teacher, to really find a way to reach my students in more creative ways. (Like this one.)

Mr. D, thank you for inspiring me. I am excited about where I might be able to take this to! The direction I think I'm going to go in is this: How I'm making things work... Better ways of teaching in my classroom... 

A Year Done

So I left you all right before Spring Break, the much needed break I know I enjoyed to its fullest, that I'm sure wasn't long enough. I returned to school telling myself there were Only 8 weeks left of school, but of course, that faded as motivation when the weeks dragged on and on. 

I am done though. I made it through the first year of teaching in New York City. I was happy to bid my students farewell, hoping to keep in contact with them (or at least some of them ;), but looking forward to not seeing them on a daily basis, so I could take the time to breathe and see myself.

I quit writing here because I wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school. I left that building and I was done, every day. I couldn't bring it home with me anymore. My small NYC apartment just couldn't hold anymore, it was full to the brim and I decided to stop bringing that stress home. I don't know if anyone will even stop by to read, it's been months since my last post. And I guess it's ok, because the purpose of the blog was to help me get through this new experience... and it did, in the beginning. But in the beginning, I didn't realize what baggage would come along with the job. It was too much to carry.

This year has been a true roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, maybe more downs than ups... And definitely times when I thought it couldn't get worse, just to find myself dropping lower and lower. I've found myself going back and forth, back and forth on how I feel about everything tied with teaching in this school. I've learned a thing or two. (or more!) I know I don't want to teach in this school, and maybe even this city, forever. I know I'll have to get out and get back to the life I consider "normal teaching"... And I thought about leaving, I thought really hard about finding another place. When I looked, I realized that maybe I don't want to leave. I thought about all that I've been through this year, and the difficulty I've had dealing with it while still trying to do my job and teach my children. I am not exactly happy with the outcome of this year, but as I thought about picking up and moving on, I thought about how I'd be leaving something as bad, undone, not fixed. I'll always associate my first year in NYC with hell. It was. But it doesn't have to be left that way, maybe. Maybe I can do something to change this hell, to teach, overcome, do my job despite this hell. 

I spent the whole year learning. Now that I know, maybe I can take this knowledge and use it to help me. I know what to expect and what not to expect. I understand when things are going to be said and not followed through with (a lot of things)... I can plan for these things and be one step ahead. I am more familiar with the standards and more familiar with my weaknesses. I can remember the times when I put too much time into something that didn't necessarily need all that time and the times when I didn't put enough time into things that did need more. I can prepare myself for difficult students and the large class size I'm sure to have (at least prepare myself mentally so I'm not shocked when it hits). And maybe I can take all of this and find a little more success next year... a little more than I had this year. 

I wonder where this came from... The desire to do great things was always a part of me as a teacher, through school, through my other teaching experiences, through my job search in NYC, through the first few days of school in NYC... but then I lost it. GONE. Felt like a fool. Who was I to think I could do anything great when all I really needed was Survival. And maybe this will be short lived and I'll see it disappear again in the fall... but it's here now, burning inside me, helping push me towards the next school year. I'm finding motivation and desire to do more, despite the fact that I swore I wouldn't... Maybe I don't want to just survive. Maybe I didn't like the way it felt, just surviving. Maybe I need something more.

Countdown of the Week

3 kids who don't bring back any homework, ever (or so it seems).

2 physical fights almost started yesterday (I hate violence).

1 more day until SPRING BREAK! (Hallelujah!)

I. Need. It. I've been singing "They're coming to take me a way. Ha ha! He He!" on a regular basis lately... This break is definitely much needed!

Parent Teacher Conferences

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with them... Conferences were last week. It wasn't too bad. More than anything it was exhausting. Two sessions that ran about 2 hours each, and twenty something parents... I was so exhausted that I left depressed. Such a different experience from my Midwest conferences.

• Had a few conferences with parents who don't speak English (that happens in some places in the Midwest, just not something I had experienced). The language barrier makes communication so difficult for us. So often I find myself wishing I would have acquired Spanish through college.
  
• Parents asking two young children-less women for parenting advice. I came prepared this time. Told a few parents to take away privileges (those things the kids are using as excuses for not doing homework... TV in particular). I was very adamant. I would have never taken that stance with parents of last year's students. They would have thought I'd crossed the line. This year, I feel like some of these parents have let their kids do what they please to the point of no control. One parent was proud of herself for following through with a 4 day punishment. She usually lets her student off within the day.
  
• A while back, we were even offered money from a student in trade for a good report. Laughable. The parent laughed about it. We also confirmed that the student had been forging the parent's signature. These kids....
  
• Some of the parents told the same stories as we heard last set of conferences... I guess some things never change. Interesting when they go on and on about how bad their student is at home, when they aren't a problem at school. Not really sure how to respond to that information, other than try to encourage the student to behave at home...
  
• A few parents showed their violent sides. Threatening to beat their children, cursing them right in front of us (the F-bomb took me by surprise a few times!). We'll be keeping our eyes on those kids for any scratches and bruises. I was a bit scared of this violence. Sadly, it seems to be a norm with this community.
  
• Got in trouble for asking for supplies... Got them anyway. What's a teacher to do when students seem to eat pencils daily? (Wish I knew the hidden hole these pencils get hidden in, because I'd love to discover the mounds that must be collecting somewhere. That or they literally eat them.) Students have to write, right? Then again, this is me asking a question that seems to make sense, when I work in a place that does the opposite of anything that makes sense!

My team teacher did an amazing job with conferences. She really knows how to word things with the parents!! It really is wonderful having two teachers!

When You Hit Bottom...

The only way to go is up. Yesterday was as close to the bottom as I'd ever like to go. Yesterday ranks up there on the list of as one of the worst days of my life, especially in my teaching career. I was dragging, depressed, angry, upset. I was insanely mad that this place is taking teaching and turning it into something I hate, something I dread... which is Not a feeling I've felt before New York.

Today was better. As I forced myself into positive thinking this morning all the way to work... I prayed it couldn't get worse. I prayed it'd be better. I needed better. I got it. There were quite a few students gone today, not really many behavior problem students but just downsizing the number of people cramped in our room made that much of a difference. We taught. We tried some new things. Our students were learning, involved, answering questions, discussing in their groups.

For the most part, I avoided all the unpleasant people that I work with. The ones that I came into contact with, I forced myself into the kindest person I could be... I tried to imagine I still worked with the friendly co-workers from last year, the ones I looked forward to talking to. (Which reminds me of the "problems" I thought I had before this year. I had one person who would sometimes use a tone with me as if she were better than me or I was stupid. I did cry about it a couple times. I was so thin-skinned. Now to think of it, I'd probably not much notice the rudeness I perceived back then. I wish I dealt with that rudeness now in trade for what I have now! Grass is always greener...)

Anyway. For the most part a better day. Not a perfect day (some students who make bad choices had a really hard time dealing with consequences today...) but a better day. I needed it.

could it get any worse

i'm miserable. beyond miserable. i've never felt so miserable.

this job is slowly torturing me to my death... and medication may be needed in my near future. i cannot remember if i smiled today. i don't think i did. i tried. i tried to see those few well behaved kids who want to learn through the gray cloud of misery, disrespect, chaos, upheaval, disorder, confusion, craziness. i just couldn't zone out the hell that surrounded me today.

this will not be a happy post. you have probably picked up on that by now. my stomach has been in knots more often this school year than in my whole past life combined. i've been unable to write, really write, about this whole teaching experience for a while. i used to write on the subway, now it's all i can do to force myself to read a few pages of a book or even keep my eyes open. i am a zombie, a teaching zombie. i get home and the last thing i want to do is think about school and fill my safe haven with thoughts of school hell. i can't bring it back here. i can't bring it to my computer, my home, to the place where i relax and calm down and enjoy life... as much as possible outside of work.

as i said this will not be a happy post. it's a rant...

my class size increased by 25% because of changes in the grade level. the students are pissed off about being put in my room and therefore defiant and miserable and sharing it with the rest of the class. not only do they bring us down in the room, but we also are officially packed in tighter than sardines.

recently, i was grabbed, jerked to a stop, and yelled at by another teacher in front of students. i couldn't believe the situation and the true disrespect that was actually shown. i'm furious that people like this even work in a school around children. had this interaction happened with a child, the teacher might have had another thing coming... i apologized, not even sure what it was i did... which turned out to be an accident that happened without me realizing. whatever though. whatever. i'm not used to this. i've never seen this before. it shocks me at the way some people act. i only hope i don't turn into them. i only hope i haven't alraedy turned into them.

i have two students who are completely capable of learning. they just don't care. they don't do their homework, Ever. their parents don't do anything about it (then again, one of them practically asked two young teachers, without children, for parenting advice... uhh sorry lady, i'm teacher. can't help you there...) i asked them both what they did instead of doing homework... what could be so important in a 10 year old's life that they have no time for homework, ever. ... television. i told them that i forbid them from watching tv anymore. yah... because i can say that. but again, whatever. something the parents should be saying. makes me think i won't even have a tv when i have kids. anyway. i'm just frustrated by the laziness of some of these kids. they don't even care. i feel like we try so hard, of course, my teaching here in this school doesn't look like teaching i know i can do... there is something about this place that holds me back (probably the behaviors... the outbreaks, the yelling, the chaos, the disruptions)

i've learned my limitations. i cannot push myself too far. i cannot let this place ruin my spirit. lucky for me there is another teacher to help, even if we are both in shambles about to fall to pieces. at least i'm not alone, suffering.

days like today make me want to move home. a former co-worker of mine was talking about her classroom troubles... talking, catty girls... but after giving parents a phone call, it's taken care of. sigh. and she teaches. she actually teaches. she plans, she creates, she teaches. i try. i try to teach. i'm scared i'll forget what teaching actually looks like. i'm scared i'll forget how to teach those willing to be taught. those willing to listen, to behave. i'm scared i'll forget how much i love teaching. i already want to go back to school, to find something different. i won't though. i won't let this school kill my dream.

three and a half weeks until spring break. god help me survive.

Rally and Letter

Last week, I joined about 70,000 other people near City Hall to rally for fair budgeting. It was a first time experience for me, as I've never been to a rally or really even seen one in real life. Upon arriving, I was given a sign and joined the thousands of other people who filled the streets to show that we would not stand by and let our budgets get cut in education, health care, daycare.

The Union President sent out a letter last week following the rally to encourage others to make their voices heard in one more way. If you haven't, and you are interested, click here and let your Senator and Representative know that you too support a fair budget.

Math Test Over

Phew. Math test done. Now on to the waiting game to find out if the students actually made improvements. Our goal was to see improvements in all of our students' scores. The test contained questions that were all covered from the beginning of the school year to now... It seemed that the test was pretty straight forward, and even almost easy. I was trying to compare it to the test my students from last year took (in another state). I can't exactly remember what the test was like last year... probably because I've got NY tests and standards in my head.

I'm curious to see what happens now. I've heard rumors that after the math test, the students Lose it... School becomes pointless and all learning (or the learning there was before) is gone out the window. Nothing motivates the kids and keeps them moving forward. Of course, I don't see mass chaos breaking out in our classroom. We do have a few field trips to hold over their sweet little brains. Talking of which, field trips will be my key phrase whenever I need a reminder of something happy, something to keep me moving forward... when other staff members are exceptionally disrespectful or one of my particular favorites pushes me to the point of wishing there weren't bars over my classroom windows... Sometimes I wonder what kind of working environment I've plopped myself into. I definitely close my door as often as possible and focus as much attention as possible on my children. I remind myself that they are my purpose, no matter how much the rest of the "school world" drags me down.

It is interesting though... heading back into teaching, not even sure when it is that I got away from what I consider teaching (a normal day of hitting all subjects and not focusing on only one -- recently being math because of the math test... before was reading... before that was social studies... before that... I taught in a school where there was a focus on all subjects ALL the time...) I will be re-focusing myself this weekend, curious at the changes that will take place in the classroom without a huge push on any one specific subject. We will be working with our students as readers, as they are definitely FAR behind. We will also begin preparing our students with post-March standards and for the transition to next year's math.

Hope all of you 3rd and 5th grade teachers are basking in the joy of being done with Math tests... and good luck to 4th who have another day of tests and the other grades that come later this year... Happy Friday to all! O and doesn't time change this weekend?

Side Note on NYC Snow Days

According to an article on the NY Times website, schools have been closed only four times since 1982 because of the snow! And the 5 year streak since the last has been broken (secret cheer!)

In other words, NYC DOE never closes school for snow days. We had 4 snow days at my Midwest school before the school year was half over last year. Huh. I like the "we always go to school, no matter what" mentality, but maybe I like snow days more. (From the rumors, D.C. might be a good place to teach for snow day lovers...)

I Always Welcome a Snow Day

I've long since come to accept the fact that NYC doesn't have snow days. It's been hard, because, since I was a young student, I've always associated any forecast of snow as a forecast for a possible snow day. Growing up in the Midwest, we had plenty of snow days... plenty of snow days in a row (had about a week off in the middle December last school year)... and even some snow days that never amounted to much snow, but more of a day off (a prediction of bad weather was sometimes enough to cancel school... imagine the surprise when the weather never quite amounted to much, but all the students were home enjoying the day off!).

So imagine my surprise, happiness, excitement when, at 6:15 a.m. my co-teacher calls to inform a hardly-awake teacher that there was NO SCHOOL! (I was still in bed... trying to push the clock on being on time this particular Monday morning.) As I let out a quiet cheer, I jumped back in bed to enjoy a morning of sleeping in!!

Unfortunately, although I very much enjoyed my snow day, I think this will make me hopeful at the possibility of more to come when snow is forecasted in the future. I'll be wishing and hoping... Just because it happened that one time!

Hope everyone else loved the happy news of a snow day! I know I had a wonderful Monday :)