Six Weeks into the School Year

We've been in school for six weeks, and I sadly haven't gotten a second to post. I'm doing a quick post between looking at data and waiting for dinner to be done. The year has actually been quite fantastic! Incredibly busy though, and I'm afraid of what will happen when I burn out. I am hoping that doesn't come soon, because I am enjoying the work I am doing, despite the time it has been taking in and out of the classroom. 

There's been a huge push for data in our school. I've always understood its importance and attempted to use it and keep it to guide my teaching. Yet, I think I've been on and off with it, between all the other things pressing and trying to keep my sanity while getting a grip on the beginning of my career as a teacher. This year is a different story. I began organizing my data before the school year started. I figured out systems for my classroom as far as organizing data and keeping it accessible  for planning and reflecting. These first weeks of school have been mad chaos as I've been trying to really get these systems up and going. It is crazy how much time and effort it takes to really put these systems into place... Even more difficult when you have almost 30 different sets of data to analyze, understand, and use! One of my favorite ways to organize my data are checklists. These are what I use most to keep track of my students' progress. Some are provided by the curriculum I use in my school and some I create myself. 

It's interesting how different this school year is from last year. It is seriously like night and day. My third year of teaching, second in New York City, is so much more comfortable than last year. (My first year of teaching was probably my favorite, despite how much I feel I have grown as a teacher since then. The environment I worked in was just all around better.) Although I do spend many moments during my days feeling like I'm stuck in a nightmare of chaos (what person stuck in a tiny room filled with desks and almost 30 10-year-olds doesn't though?), I am loving my many students and the way the school year is starting. 

School is Starting

We are days away from school starting... and to answer all of you wondering if I was indeed returning, the answer is yes. I am returning, and somehow, I've found myself extremely excited about it! 

I am already feeling the difference from preparing during my first year in this school to preparing for this year as my second year in this school. I already know I'll be starting with more a more solid standing. 

On my last post, Mr. D, from I Want to Teach Forever, left a comment that I've been thinking about the last few weeks. 

You mentioned how you stopped blogging because you "wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school," and that is a good idea. But I also think you could turn your writing into a source of inspiration and motivation, instead of a release as it more or less was this first year. I wrote a blog for my friends and family that detailed the day to day struggles, the misery, anger and occasional triumph. But it was really hard to write that way after a while, and I hated focusing so much on the negative. When I started I Want to Teach Forever, I decided to make something entirely positive, as much for me as for the other teachers I would ostensibly be helping. If you are continuing to teach, maybe a new direction could make this more of a source of positive thoughts for you.

I'm thinking he's right... A new direction. I'm aware that I need to change the way I think, the way I share. Last school year, it didn't take me long to realize that people thought they'd want to know about the troubles of  teaching in inner-city schools, but the truth is, they really don't. It turns out to sound more like complaining and completely changes the moods of myself and my listener. I soon realized that I didn't want to talk about it either, so I stopped. Or at least tried to as much as possible. 

Mr. D is also right in the fact that I did spend the whole year last year in survival mode. I was just trying to keep enough oxygen in my lungs to keep me from collapsing... I was not able to do all the fun, creative, time-consuming preparation required activities with my class last year that I'd done in previous years when I had taught outside the city. 

This year is different. I know I can survive... I know I can do a little more than just survive. I'm really pushing myself to be a better teacher, to really find a way to reach my students in more creative ways. (Like this one.)

Mr. D, thank you for inspiring me. I am excited about where I might be able to take this to! The direction I think I'm going to go in is this: How I'm making things work... Better ways of teaching in my classroom... 

A Year Done

So I left you all right before Spring Break, the much needed break I know I enjoyed to its fullest, that I'm sure wasn't long enough. I returned to school telling myself there were Only 8 weeks left of school, but of course, that faded as motivation when the weeks dragged on and on. 

I am done though. I made it through the first year of teaching in New York City. I was happy to bid my students farewell, hoping to keep in contact with them (or at least some of them ;), but looking forward to not seeing them on a daily basis, so I could take the time to breathe and see myself.

I quit writing here because I wanted to not think about school when I was outside of school. I left that building and I was done, every day. I couldn't bring it home with me anymore. My small NYC apartment just couldn't hold anymore, it was full to the brim and I decided to stop bringing that stress home. I don't know if anyone will even stop by to read, it's been months since my last post. And I guess it's ok, because the purpose of the blog was to help me get through this new experience... and it did, in the beginning. But in the beginning, I didn't realize what baggage would come along with the job. It was too much to carry.

This year has been a true roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, maybe more downs than ups... And definitely times when I thought it couldn't get worse, just to find myself dropping lower and lower. I've found myself going back and forth, back and forth on how I feel about everything tied with teaching in this school. I've learned a thing or two. (or more!) I know I don't want to teach in this school, and maybe even this city, forever. I know I'll have to get out and get back to the life I consider "normal teaching"... And I thought about leaving, I thought really hard about finding another place. When I looked, I realized that maybe I don't want to leave. I thought about all that I've been through this year, and the difficulty I've had dealing with it while still trying to do my job and teach my children. I am not exactly happy with the outcome of this year, but as I thought about picking up and moving on, I thought about how I'd be leaving something as bad, undone, not fixed. I'll always associate my first year in NYC with hell. It was. But it doesn't have to be left that way, maybe. Maybe I can do something to change this hell, to teach, overcome, do my job despite this hell. 

I spent the whole year learning. Now that I know, maybe I can take this knowledge and use it to help me. I know what to expect and what not to expect. I understand when things are going to be said and not followed through with (a lot of things)... I can plan for these things and be one step ahead. I am more familiar with the standards and more familiar with my weaknesses. I can remember the times when I put too much time into something that didn't necessarily need all that time and the times when I didn't put enough time into things that did need more. I can prepare myself for difficult students and the large class size I'm sure to have (at least prepare myself mentally so I'm not shocked when it hits). And maybe I can take all of this and find a little more success next year... a little more than I had this year. 

I wonder where this came from... The desire to do great things was always a part of me as a teacher, through school, through my other teaching experiences, through my job search in NYC, through the first few days of school in NYC... but then I lost it. GONE. Felt like a fool. Who was I to think I could do anything great when all I really needed was Survival. And maybe this will be short lived and I'll see it disappear again in the fall... but it's here now, burning inside me, helping push me towards the next school year. I'm finding motivation and desire to do more, despite the fact that I swore I wouldn't... Maybe I don't want to just survive. Maybe I didn't like the way it felt, just surviving. Maybe I need something more.

Countdown of the Week

3 kids who don't bring back any homework, ever (or so it seems).

2 physical fights almost started yesterday (I hate violence).

1 more day until SPRING BREAK! (Hallelujah!)

I. Need. It. I've been singing "They're coming to take me a way. Ha ha! He He!" on a regular basis lately... This break is definitely much needed!

Parent Teacher Conferences

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with them... Conferences were last week. It wasn't too bad. More than anything it was exhausting. Two sessions that ran about 2 hours each, and twenty something parents... I was so exhausted that I left depressed. Such a different experience from my Midwest conferences.

• Had a few conferences with parents who don't speak English (that happens in some places in the Midwest, just not something I had experienced). The language barrier makes communication so difficult for us. So often I find myself wishing I would have acquired Spanish through college.
  
• Parents asking two young children-less women for parenting advice. I came prepared this time. Told a few parents to take away privileges (those things the kids are using as excuses for not doing homework... TV in particular). I was very adamant. I would have never taken that stance with parents of last year's students. They would have thought I'd crossed the line. This year, I feel like some of these parents have let their kids do what they please to the point of no control. One parent was proud of herself for following through with a 4 day punishment. She usually lets her student off within the day.
  
• A while back, we were even offered money from a student in trade for a good report. Laughable. The parent laughed about it. We also confirmed that the student had been forging the parent's signature. These kids....
  
• Some of the parents told the same stories as we heard last set of conferences... I guess some things never change. Interesting when they go on and on about how bad their student is at home, when they aren't a problem at school. Not really sure how to respond to that information, other than try to encourage the student to behave at home...
  
• A few parents showed their violent sides. Threatening to beat their children, cursing them right in front of us (the F-bomb took me by surprise a few times!). We'll be keeping our eyes on those kids for any scratches and bruises. I was a bit scared of this violence. Sadly, it seems to be a norm with this community.
  
• Got in trouble for asking for supplies... Got them anyway. What's a teacher to do when students seem to eat pencils daily? (Wish I knew the hidden hole these pencils get hidden in, because I'd love to discover the mounds that must be collecting somewhere. That or they literally eat them.) Students have to write, right? Then again, this is me asking a question that seems to make sense, when I work in a place that does the opposite of anything that makes sense!

My team teacher did an amazing job with conferences. She really knows how to word things with the parents!! It really is wonderful having two teachers!

When You Hit Bottom...

The only way to go is up. Yesterday was as close to the bottom as I'd ever like to go. Yesterday ranks up there on the list of as one of the worst days of my life, especially in my teaching career. I was dragging, depressed, angry, upset. I was insanely mad that this place is taking teaching and turning it into something I hate, something I dread... which is Not a feeling I've felt before New York.

Today was better. As I forced myself into positive thinking this morning all the way to work... I prayed it couldn't get worse. I prayed it'd be better. I needed better. I got it. There were quite a few students gone today, not really many behavior problem students but just downsizing the number of people cramped in our room made that much of a difference. We taught. We tried some new things. Our students were learning, involved, answering questions, discussing in their groups.

For the most part, I avoided all the unpleasant people that I work with. The ones that I came into contact with, I forced myself into the kindest person I could be... I tried to imagine I still worked with the friendly co-workers from last year, the ones I looked forward to talking to. (Which reminds me of the "problems" I thought I had before this year. I had one person who would sometimes use a tone with me as if she were better than me or I was stupid. I did cry about it a couple times. I was so thin-skinned. Now to think of it, I'd probably not much notice the rudeness I perceived back then. I wish I dealt with that rudeness now in trade for what I have now! Grass is always greener...)

Anyway. For the most part a better day. Not a perfect day (some students who make bad choices had a really hard time dealing with consequences today...) but a better day. I needed it.

could it get any worse

i'm miserable. beyond miserable. i've never felt so miserable.

this job is slowly torturing me to my death... and medication may be needed in my near future. i cannot remember if i smiled today. i don't think i did. i tried. i tried to see those few well behaved kids who want to learn through the gray cloud of misery, disrespect, chaos, upheaval, disorder, confusion, craziness. i just couldn't zone out the hell that surrounded me today.

this will not be a happy post. you have probably picked up on that by now. my stomach has been in knots more often this school year than in my whole past life combined. i've been unable to write, really write, about this whole teaching experience for a while. i used to write on the subway, now it's all i can do to force myself to read a few pages of a book or even keep my eyes open. i am a zombie, a teaching zombie. i get home and the last thing i want to do is think about school and fill my safe haven with thoughts of school hell. i can't bring it back here. i can't bring it to my computer, my home, to the place where i relax and calm down and enjoy life... as much as possible outside of work.

as i said this will not be a happy post. it's a rant...

my class size increased by 25% because of changes in the grade level. the students are pissed off about being put in my room and therefore defiant and miserable and sharing it with the rest of the class. not only do they bring us down in the room, but we also are officially packed in tighter than sardines.

recently, i was grabbed, jerked to a stop, and yelled at by another teacher in front of students. i couldn't believe the situation and the true disrespect that was actually shown. i'm furious that people like this even work in a school around children. had this interaction happened with a child, the teacher might have had another thing coming... i apologized, not even sure what it was i did... which turned out to be an accident that happened without me realizing. whatever though. whatever. i'm not used to this. i've never seen this before. it shocks me at the way some people act. i only hope i don't turn into them. i only hope i haven't alraedy turned into them.

i have two students who are completely capable of learning. they just don't care. they don't do their homework, Ever. their parents don't do anything about it (then again, one of them practically asked two young teachers, without children, for parenting advice... uhh sorry lady, i'm teacher. can't help you there...) i asked them both what they did instead of doing homework... what could be so important in a 10 year old's life that they have no time for homework, ever. ... television. i told them that i forbid them from watching tv anymore. yah... because i can say that. but again, whatever. something the parents should be saying. makes me think i won't even have a tv when i have kids. anyway. i'm just frustrated by the laziness of some of these kids. they don't even care. i feel like we try so hard, of course, my teaching here in this school doesn't look like teaching i know i can do... there is something about this place that holds me back (probably the behaviors... the outbreaks, the yelling, the chaos, the disruptions)

i've learned my limitations. i cannot push myself too far. i cannot let this place ruin my spirit. lucky for me there is another teacher to help, even if we are both in shambles about to fall to pieces. at least i'm not alone, suffering.

days like today make me want to move home. a former co-worker of mine was talking about her classroom troubles... talking, catty girls... but after giving parents a phone call, it's taken care of. sigh. and she teaches. she actually teaches. she plans, she creates, she teaches. i try. i try to teach. i'm scared i'll forget what teaching actually looks like. i'm scared i'll forget how to teach those willing to be taught. those willing to listen, to behave. i'm scared i'll forget how much i love teaching. i already want to go back to school, to find something different. i won't though. i won't let this school kill my dream.

three and a half weeks until spring break. god help me survive.

Rally and Letter

Last week, I joined about 70,000 other people near City Hall to rally for fair budgeting. It was a first time experience for me, as I've never been to a rally or really even seen one in real life. Upon arriving, I was given a sign and joined the thousands of other people who filled the streets to show that we would not stand by and let our budgets get cut in education, health care, daycare.

The Union President sent out a letter last week following the rally to encourage others to make their voices heard in one more way. If you haven't, and you are interested, click here and let your Senator and Representative know that you too support a fair budget.

Math Test Over

Phew. Math test done. Now on to the waiting game to find out if the students actually made improvements. Our goal was to see improvements in all of our students' scores. The test contained questions that were all covered from the beginning of the school year to now... It seemed that the test was pretty straight forward, and even almost easy. I was trying to compare it to the test my students from last year took (in another state). I can't exactly remember what the test was like last year... probably because I've got NY tests and standards in my head.

I'm curious to see what happens now. I've heard rumors that after the math test, the students Lose it... School becomes pointless and all learning (or the learning there was before) is gone out the window. Nothing motivates the kids and keeps them moving forward. Of course, I don't see mass chaos breaking out in our classroom. We do have a few field trips to hold over their sweet little brains. Talking of which, field trips will be my key phrase whenever I need a reminder of something happy, something to keep me moving forward... when other staff members are exceptionally disrespectful or one of my particular favorites pushes me to the point of wishing there weren't bars over my classroom windows... Sometimes I wonder what kind of working environment I've plopped myself into. I definitely close my door as often as possible and focus as much attention as possible on my children. I remind myself that they are my purpose, no matter how much the rest of the "school world" drags me down.

It is interesting though... heading back into teaching, not even sure when it is that I got away from what I consider teaching (a normal day of hitting all subjects and not focusing on only one -- recently being math because of the math test... before was reading... before that was social studies... before that... I taught in a school where there was a focus on all subjects ALL the time...) I will be re-focusing myself this weekend, curious at the changes that will take place in the classroom without a huge push on any one specific subject. We will be working with our students as readers, as they are definitely FAR behind. We will also begin preparing our students with post-March standards and for the transition to next year's math.

Hope all of you 3rd and 5th grade teachers are basking in the joy of being done with Math tests... and good luck to 4th who have another day of tests and the other grades that come later this year... Happy Friday to all! O and doesn't time change this weekend?

Side Note on NYC Snow Days

According to an article on the NY Times website, schools have been closed only four times since 1982 because of the snow! And the 5 year streak since the last has been broken (secret cheer!)

In other words, NYC DOE never closes school for snow days. We had 4 snow days at my Midwest school before the school year was half over last year. Huh. I like the "we always go to school, no matter what" mentality, but maybe I like snow days more. (From the rumors, D.C. might be a good place to teach for snow day lovers...)

I Always Welcome a Snow Day

I've long since come to accept the fact that NYC doesn't have snow days. It's been hard, because, since I was a young student, I've always associated any forecast of snow as a forecast for a possible snow day. Growing up in the Midwest, we had plenty of snow days... plenty of snow days in a row (had about a week off in the middle December last school year)... and even some snow days that never amounted to much snow, but more of a day off (a prediction of bad weather was sometimes enough to cancel school... imagine the surprise when the weather never quite amounted to much, but all the students were home enjoying the day off!).

So imagine my surprise, happiness, excitement when, at 6:15 a.m. my co-teacher calls to inform a hardly-awake teacher that there was NO SCHOOL! (I was still in bed... trying to push the clock on being on time this particular Monday morning.) As I let out a quiet cheer, I jumped back in bed to enjoy a morning of sleeping in!!

Unfortunately, although I very much enjoyed my snow day, I think this will make me hopeful at the possibility of more to come when snow is forecasted in the future. I'll be wishing and hoping... Just because it happened that one time!

Hope everyone else loved the happy news of a snow day! I know I had a wonderful Monday :)

Greetings March

Dear March,

I'm happy to see you are here. I'm happy I still have a job. I'm happy I've survived teaching in New York City, specifically the Bronx, for 6 months. Wow! 6 months! I'm happy that in 4 months I'll be able to say I conquered a year of teaching in NYC... something beyond challenging.

I'm happy that I'm starting to feel less stressed out about everything. I'm happy I'm realizing just how much I love my students (even if it took me 6 months to really start admitting it to myself... everything else has been blinding me from it... or something?)

I'm happy that testing for math is this week... because I'm ready to have it over with. I'm happy that I've taught all the math standards for my grade... even though I know some of the students have not mastered them to the point of being fully successful. I'm sure they will make improvements to where they stood last year... and with what I've been given to work with, any types of improvements would make me extremely happy!

I'm happy that there are 5 and a half weeks until Spring Break (of course I'm counting!) I'm happy that I will be taking a field trip with my students between now and Spring Break AND that I have professional development day planned before Spring Break!

So March, even if you have Math testing, Parent Teacher Conferences, and not a day of break... Welcome. I'm greeting you with a smile! Please do your best to keep me happy throughout the month!

My best thoughts,
Teacher

Black History Month

February was Black History Month. We had quite the celebration at our school in honor of it. With the lack of diversity in the Midwest (I guess we'd all assume this to be the reasoning?), I've never seen a celebration quite like it!

The dancing, singing, celebrating was quite enjoyable. Definitely a first experience for me, but one I hope to enjoy again! The energy that was filling the room was enough to even get this teacher clapping and cheering along (this teacher who lacks all ability to keep a beat or bust any sort of move!). It was definitely something to hear the speeches of famous African Americans recited by students in all grades. The words of these important people ringing out in the voices of these young children sent chills down my spine and goosebumps across my skin. I was amazed as I watched young students dancing traditional African dances and expressing themselves through other forms of dance as well... (these students compared to my previous students CAN DANCE! I would have never fit in as a child because, as I already stated, I CANNOT dance! At all.) It's so interesting to see the kids get up and perform. It's less structured than what I'm used to seeing from my Midwest experience. The students seem to be more open to expressing themselves through dancing, singing, reciting poems and speeches. They are less fearful.

It was an empowering experience. If I do teach in a place where diversity is lacking, I must find a way to bring it into the school... to bring an experience similar to the one I had last month in my school and share it with the students... in some way or another. (Sadly, I won't be able to do any of the dancing... I'll have to find someone to help me out with that one!)

What did your school do to celebrate and honor Black History Month?

Testing Survey: Take before FRIDAY!

Wouldn't it be nice if my 5th graders could be tested for 5th grade reading after they've had a school year of learning at the 5th grade level? It makes sense to me... but unfortunately, NY kids take the ELA in January (not even halfway through the school year.)

Want to change this? We go to school until the end of June, but the state assesses our kids for English Language Arts almost 6 months before the school year is over and in math 4 months before the year is over.

Click here to take the survey and share your opinions about when the State Tests should be administered (sadly "NEVER" isn't an option...) There's an article here about it....

Wish I Knew Nothing

Sometimes, I wish I were oblivious to the problems with the economy and the threat of losing my job. Reading the news stories that said my job would be cut... Then hearing it at school... 1st, 2nd, 3rd year teachers you're as good as gone... I've not felt this anxiety, this lack of control, this fear of something being so unknown and unsure.

Now, it's been said we (1st, 2nd, 3rd year teachers) are "safe"... the stimulus funding will help... but I'm again just a 1st year teacher in the city... am I really safe? My name is Low on the seniority list. (I mean LOW as in at the bottom, almost.)

Weingarten is right. Teachers start hearing they'll be losing their jobs, and we all start thinking about what to do, where to go, etc. etc... which means, we are Not putting all of our energy into teaching our students who desperately need all the teaching time they can get (at least mine do!).

The whole "not enough" thing scares me, because as I said, I'm the bottom of the totem pole. This is when I wish I knew nothing. This issue of layoffs is so far out of my control. There isn't a thing I can do to prepare myself. I try to push it out of my mind... I'm trying to be optimistic.

Teaching in this city is 100 times more stressful than I ever wish upon anyone.